Ticking clocks

Hello,

I'm so cold! Its freezing cold where I am. I'm not in a studying mood at all and haven't been for the past 3 weeks. My brain is too busy thinking about other things...may things. I don't know if Med. school is for me...or if its even possible. But one thing I know is that the more I think about it, the more I like it....the more I picture myself in the ER, wearing a whitecoat and running around in the hospital's hallways, much like Meredith in Grey's Anatomy.

Sounds silly, but I'm slowly falling in love with Med. school lol. Wrong timing. And then comes the guy, who is kind of hopeful now....Last time I spoke to him he told me that he doesn't mind me going to school etc...but he personally thinks that people are better off working. Making money. I felt like we think differently when it comes to money. I'm a spender (when it comes to school) and he's an investor. But balance is nice, it would a nice combo. We are supposed to be meeting this Thursday. And I really REALLY have to go shopping sometime on Wednesday or Tuesday. But before I do that, I have to pick up my hair straightener which has been held at the purallator office for God knows how long now. Not nice. I also have to get my TB test pretty soon for the hospital volunteer position thingy. Ugh! I should take a picture of my planner! It literally has something written in every box! It's ridiculous! This semester has been pretty busy. OMG and now that I talk about planners, I forgot that this week is Grad photos week!!! My Goodness! I can't take a picture this week, seriously. I have pimples all over my face. The stress level is unbearable. So yeah, as usual, I need a miracle.


Anyhow, so my thesis is due in a week and I haven't started ANYTHING yet. I think I only have 1 page. I hate my life. There's just so much thinking to do and I'm running out of time. I took next weekend off. I want to spend the weekend in the library but its gonna be Eid, which means that I'll probably have to "do" things with my sisters....and that I'm not looking forward to. Eid doesn't mean much to me anymore, unfortunately. I even stopped going to Eid prayers....the mosque is way too far and I don't have a car. My mom is going this year...I don't think I will, although it would be refreshing.

Speaking of freshness, in an attempt to get my mind off of my thesis, med. school and marriage, I decided to bake. I'll upload some pictures of the cupcakes I baked. I put in some Oreo cookies in them and they turned out phenomenal!!! Meh, something seems to be working.

Till next time,



P.S. the blog's title is inspired by Coldplay's new song Clocks <3

Last night

It was pretty hectic. I was running around between interviews and seminars. but it was worth it. I gained a lot of information and I'm glad they were pretty realistic about things. The more I think about med school the more I want it. The more I think it is the thing for me. It takes a lot.

It's probably one of the most important decisions of my life. I don't know why but I'm starting to think that it is possible...if I work on it of course (which I'm currently not). I don't know why but I feel like I'm familiar with things and at the same time very overwhelmed. It's not easy to explain. But I know that I want to be a doctor....one day. Mom seems less convinced now that I started talking to the guy. She thinks I'm better off doing my graduate studies etc... I don't know. I'm lost.

I like the scene outside of where I'm sitting. There's just a lot ALOT ALOT!!!!

ugh
Till next time

Halal Date

So on Monday I went on my first "halal date". According to me it was Halal anyway....I'm pretty sure there's people out there who would consider it Haram but anyway. It felt pretty awkward at first. Specially that my mother was there and the guy was there alone. I have no idea how he must have felt. But then my mom left us and we sat down and talked about things...he does come across as a pretty simple, down to earth guy which is contrary to what I thought of Iraqi guys...but I guess generalization is bad. so yeah, we talked about a whole bunch of random things. Height is an issue...with me being almost 5 inches taller than him. I don't know how I felt about it. It's like I've always had shorter friends and so walking with someone shorter than me, be it a male or a female is kinda normal since I am pretty darn tall. But to actually think of him as something more than just a male is different. and I'm pretty sure I cant conceptualize it quite yet. It takes time...it takes time for me to first start liking him and then experience the height difference in that context. I tried to explain that to him...I don't know if I sounded like I was pretty enthusiastic about the whole thing...I'm just naturally like that but I think he was under the impression that I liked him. Which I can't comment on right now...I just have no feelings towards him. It's so weird.
I actually never thought I was gonna meet someone this way. I always imagined myself falling in love with someone and then marrying them. Never thought about parents and their involvement but I have to admit that imagination is pretty unrealistic.
So there are many things I wanted to talk about but I'll save them for later since I'm literally loaded with work. I have an interview at St. Mike's tomorrow and then a conference at St. George so I have very little time for studying and my thesis is due in less than 2 weeks. I'm going nuts here.

I need a miracle, as usual.

Till next time

Fireflies and more....

Hello.
Been a while as usual. I don't know where time goes...it just disappears. It felt like I was doing things but I just can't remember what they were...so its as if I didn't do a thing this last week. I went to work., that's something I remember. I did no studying, however I did do a lot of thinking/reflecting on my current situation. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I just wasn't cut out for being a wife or a mom. It's like my mind and my heart are two different opposing forces, one wants me to do what's logical from an Iraqi point of view and the other wants me to go to the Caribbean and start my life there. The latter being my heart.

This whole talk about mind and heart brings me to the highlight of my week, or rather month. I went on my first "halal date". I will not discuss this here in this post, it really needs a whole new post. But yeah other than that, I've been pretty busy conducting interviews or my thesis. I don't feel like I'm putting enough effort into it, even though I was literally just running around last week trying to collect different views etc...but it still feels like something is missing. Like I don't have any structured questions which is part of the whole phonological approach but still, it feels like I'm not doing enough. I need structure. Other than the thesis,lets see...Oh I've been having fun too lol. I went out with my friend on Friday. We went shopping downtown, it was a lot of fun but it was hectic. My legs were killing me afterward :(

I've also been playing around with my camera and so I have a few pictures to post....Not the best but its a start.



These pictures were taken outside of my university. It's pretty depressing outside nowadays. Leaves are falling, skies are gray. Not very impressive.




Random rocks outside in the front yard.


Downtown Toronto


Dundas Square



Our neighbor's little daughter in motion

So it's another day...

It's another day of studying, pondering, wondering, battling, and the list goes on and on.

I had a very hard time falling asleep last night. I don't know if it was the conversation I had with mom or just being intimidated by tomorrow's midterm. I really don't know. My eyes were open the whole time but my brain was static. It wasn't thinking about anything, its as if it was making a statement: I'm sick of thinking. I closed my eyes at around 4:48am and woke up at 6: 13am. and again, I battled my way to sleep until I finally woke up at 7:58am. The plan was to wake up at 4:00am after having slept for 6hours continuously...but that obviously wasn't the case. I'm so screwed up. I don't know where to begin and I'm running out of time.
I had a class today at 9:00am, I somehow, miraculously, made it to class on time. Having not done the readings before hand, I felt like an a** sitting in class and just staring at the prof. She actually was under the impression that I was "smart" but alas, I showed her the exact opposite today. Funny thing is I was actually gonna ask her for a ref. letter. Shove that.
I got my assignment back today. The TA's comment said that I needed to "give it a little more thought"....which I kind of agree with. I didn't fully analyze my data but I did work hard on the stuff I analyzed...It's just that I didn't have enough time. Anyhow, I got an 84%. I didn't know what to expect which is, to me, a sign of failure. You should have a rough idea of what is going on. Not having a clue as to what you should be getting can either mean that the prof. is unpredictable or that you just arbitrarily did whatever and in this case, it is the latter.

On a different note, I almost died in class today. Not only because I hadn't done the readings before coming to class but also because I didn't have my coffee in the morning :( I struggled through the class. I don't feel well today at all. I don't know how I'm gonna go through the day, finish the readings, analyze the darn readings and put everything together in an essay format.

I need a miracle.

Till next time

Self-reflction

A lot has happened since the last time I blogged. I don't know where to begin...and I know that I'm not ready to talk about it all, but one thing I want to say is that I had a chance to reflect on the progress I've made in the past 4 years of my life.

It was a lot to taken at once, but I'm glad it has brought me to the realization that I cannot let everything I've worked on from grade 1 til now, go down the drains. Just like that.

My thoughts are not very organized, they're all over the place. I guess that's why I'm here. I wouldn't have blogged about this if it wasn't for the fact that I want to clear my head. Basically, it was a guy. He proposed to me, even though he had never seen me before. The whole thing itself made me feel very uncomfortable. Anyhow, to make story short, I rejected him. But I don't know why I initially agreed to converse with him, get to know him etc. Reflecting back on it now, I think it might have been a sign of disparity or frustration. Was I really ready to get married? I'm 22, haven't graduated yet (we weren't going to get married before I graduated anyway, but still why did I even think about it'?)
My mother had a lot to do with it. She convinced me that he had a lot of good qualities that I wouldn't be able to find in other Iraqi guys, like education, family reputation, financial security etc...all of which are important factors, but should not be the reason for compromising a dream that I've always had. How could I? I was clearly giving up on myself.

The whole thing made me sit back and think about where I am now, and where I will be in a few months from now (after graduation). Where am I heading? Do I have any plans? Turns out that I was really giving up on myself.

Anyhow, I have decided to pursue my dream again. My dream of becoming a doctor. I don't how long it takes, and how much it costs. I'm willing to make a lot of sacrifices for this dream. The only thing that throws me off is the fact that "it is not guaranteed". Nothing is guaranteed in life anyway.

Anyway, I want to write more about my current situation, my plans etc.. how I will approach the goal etc..
Here we go again, my mother is sitting next to me and lecturing me on how I should just get married because I'm not going anywhere with the whole med. school bizz. I hate it. She's starting to think a lot like these stupid women form the mosque. I don't understand why my mother has a mentality of a high school drop out, even though she has a degree in mechanical engineering. She sounds a lot like my grandmother's mother. I swear even my grandmother is more open-minded. It makes me want to cry. It's so discouraging. I wish I had someone who could give me that extra push,. Someone to say "it's gonna be alright", just keep doing what you're doing and its gonna be alright. I don't have that in my life. I wish the Admission Committee would know that.
I want a hug

Till next time

Manitoba

So its been a while, I know...I was just so frustrated with everything...and didnt' feel like blogging :( I feel a lot better now...I just came back from Manitoba a week ago. I went to see my father and brother. I had a lot of fun. It was so unplanned. I just booked my flight ticket, called my father and asked if he could pick me up from the airport.

The city, and really I shouldn't be calling it a 'city' since its like a quarter of Toronto, is so quiet and very family oriented. most people live on farms and have huge families...still remember the scene of families of 8 kids shopping at the Superstore. It was hilarious...their shopping cart was FULL of bread and milk lol.

The whole point of me going there was to help me arrive at a logical conclusion concerning the move...and to be honest, I'm still undecided. I like the city, the people seem friendly (but they keep their distance), but I don't know if I can actually live there forever. Vacation is obviously different, you are just there to shop, have fun etc. but living there is a whole new story.

Funny thing is I can barely remember how Baghdad looks like, I left when I was about 6 years old...the only thing I remember is our house and the memory is restricated to the front yard because that's where I hung out with my friends but as soon as I saw the Red River in Winnipeg, I felt like I was in Baghdad, standing on a bridge that overlooks Dijla or Al-Forat River. I don't know why. Maybe because the place itself is not as modern as Toronto that I'm starting to associate it with Iraq...Not sure.

All in all, it was a nice break...only problem is I missed the first two weeks of school. which wasn't exactly fun because I'm so behind in everything.

Few other things happened and I would like to blog about them however time does not permit. perhaps I'll blog again tonight...There is a lot that I want to let out...especially things concerning the new tenant (we rented our basement). Its making me discover aspects of myself that I didn't even think existed in the first place. My mother is abs in love with the girl...She's from Bangladesh and wears the most disturbing perfume EVER. It honestly makes me want to vomit! Shes just one of those people that make you feel very uncomfortable. And I'm starting to have problems with my mother because of her...Like today in the morning, I woke up, made breakfast for myself and packed my lunch. Last week I had bought a roll of aluminum foil for sandwiches etc and I think I only used it once to wrap a sandwich. Today, I woke up and found an empty roll in the garbage (not even in the recycling bin). So I asked my mom and she said she didn't know who used it last....I looked in the fridge and found that the girl had used the foil to wrap her food with it. She literally finished the whole roll, I think she must have wrapped the damn bowl 40 times to finish that roll. It was so inconsiderate of her. I know it was only $2.99 but she could have asked! So I told my mother and she said I was being "cheap" and that hanging out with my Jewish friends has turned me into this greedy-mean-machine. and you can imagine where the conversation went from there...a word from me, two from here and we are arguing again. UGH here I am talking about it again. Maybe I should, I need to make peace with these issues :( Oh my God I should have ended this blog long time ago lol.

Till next time.