Cerebral approach...

Many things have happened since the last time I blogged. Tomorrow will either make me or break me. I find out if I my loan got approved. For some reasons I'm not worried. It feels like deep inside I don't want it to happen. Sounds crazy as I re-read what I just typed...but its true. I've been wanting this for my entire life. But somehow I feel hesitant. I find out tomorrow. I don't want to write more about it. Somethings we don't talk about, better do without and just hold a smile (the fray btw)
I have no idea what I'll do if medical school doesn't work out this time round. But it'll mean one thing for sure and that is I have officially exhausted all options...which does put my mind at ease a bit. Problem is I don't know what to do if it doesn't work out. I was talking to my mother the other day and I told her about how I'm interested in religion and how I'm thinking about perusing a masters degree in religions if med. school doesn't work out and I get this serious "how-dare-you" face. She's right. Five fudging years of neuroscience and then I switch to religion...But that's the only thing I'm actually interested in. But what do holders of religion MA do for a living?
Ughhh ya Allah! I don't want to think about it. I'm so lost. So stressed. One thing I learned about myself when I'm stressed is that I tend to want to cook. And that's what I've been doing recently.

This is a chinese wok. It looks dirty but its not. I got it at a garage sale. It's very handy! And I think I mentioned this before but I'm a HUGE fan of Asian food. This is my attempt at making fried noodles with vegetables and tofu <3 onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy9S2ot_1Hutw7KwQQqdACr-rLWJE3mBPn2zv8_gYBqP10dCHvNYhEdJTRSCNptA1jvxVXgZJUYd1uEEALBGmdgTx_pjKwC_F8RafsbwKMjQY0ewyTdz3527lUBspNlD60tPL1HF7qMGI/s1600/IMG_1664.JPG">1) Boil your spaghetti noodles and then drain them.
2) Get your vegetables ready: I have green peas, onions, mushrooms, carrots and tofu.

3) This is how an Asian wok looks like, add the vegetables first with a little bit of olive oil.
4) Add the noodles and some soy sauce (1 table spoon)

5) GOODNESS! this would have actually tasted a lot better if I had added an egg to the mixture but we were all out of eggs lol.

NEXT: I made sambusa and I just keep forgetting the recipe for the dough. It's actually a pretty easy one:
3/4 cup of milk
1/4 cup of oil
Boil them and add to
2 cups of flour
1/4 turmeric powder
1/4 salt
Stuff it with whatever you like

This is how the dough looks like. It's very easy to work with
And that's the end result. It sort of looked like fried chicken because I used whole wheat flour. I stuffed it with potatoes and parsley.

NEXT: Pizza! Well, this is a combined effort so I can't take all the credit. Pizza is very easy to make.
And that sums up the past few days.

Till next time,

4 way stop

They say a picture is worth a thousand words and I say I couldn't agree more. This picture captures my life in a nutshell. It's a 4 way street and no one knows whose turn it is. Its like we all paused for a minute and when we came back alive, we couldn't remember who stopped first.

I thought about this today...I was in the car with my mother...we were supposed to pick up something from a french neighborhood nearby, got lost and had to head back home. So it was a total fail and my mom was pissed off and didn't talk the whole way. It wasn't my fault...the GPS was just messed up! anyway, so I guess I had a lot of time to think about my life on our way back...Didn't come up with any new thoughts. Still trying to figure out what to do next. I can't just sit at home and do nothing...I feel like I'm slowly forgetting what I learned in Neuroscience. Yesterday, I came across an article about Codeine...how it might soon be banned in Canada as it may cause intoxication for those with fast metabolism...anyway, the article was very light, it was one of those articles MSN pops up when you sign out. The topic of drugs and metabolism has always been of great interest to me so I decided to look it up on U of T's library website, to find the journal article that published the study. Anyway, obviously the journal article wasn't as light as the news article lol...they got into the biochemistry, microbiology of metabolism and the chemistry of the drug and that's when I lost it. It's sad because I actually studied this stuff last year and I did really well in my drugs and the brain courses...I was so frustrated.

I have a job interview tomorrow...its with Statistics Canada. I'm kinda scared...It's not a very fancy job but they told to bring a calculator to the interview as there will be a test. They also gave me a website to prepare for the test. Kinda skimped through the sample questions and they weren't that easy. or maybe I'm slowly loosing my math/statistics knowledge (okay now I'm actually laughing at myself. I said "knowledge"....as if such thing existed in the first place!). I was never good at math. Anyway, enough negativity for the day...It is BEAUTIFUL outside! I'm actually typing this while enjoying the gorgeous sunshine outside! It's simply heavenly. But I heard it might start snowing next week...which is a bummer! BIG TIME! Why? Well, winter=snow=storms=slow season=no biking=staying at home a lot! You can tell that I'm not looking forward to it.

On a more somewhat "positive" note, I'm starting to take religion studies more seriously.

I just want to be happy again.

Till next time,

Nobody said it was easy...

As I write this blog I can her my mother yelling through the phone....not only because she's talking to someone in Iraq (that's pretty normal), but because she was talking to the people who have taken over our house in Iraq...our brand new house. I've never lived there but my mother talks about the furniture, the curtains, the front yard all the time...My parents built the house before we left, we never got to live in it. But after what happened in Iraq (sectarianism, civil war etc) some people just decided to invade other people's properties...simply because the property happens to be in a Sunni neighborhood or a Shia neighborhood and therefore, by default, the property should be owned by Sunnis or Shias.

Very sad but that's our reality. My mother cannot get over it. I don't blame her.

On a different note, I've been doing absolutely nothing these days. Not even helping around the house...just sleeping. I think I'm depressed. It just feels like I'm never gonna get used to this place. I feel like a stranger here...Like a foreigner. It's like a whole new culture that I have to adapt to. I miss my friends, I miss my people :( People here are friendly but they don't wanna get too close...we scare them I think. I know that being the new kid on the block is not easy and it requires effort on my part, but the environment is just not welcoming. People here think that we're all here for a short period of time...they're accommodating, but not accepting. And if I'm ever gonna be able to make friends and be part of this society, I need to feel accepted first. They seem to think that all "colored people" are here to study...that we're all international students or something. Here for school or training purposes and that at one point or another, we will leave this country so they don't feel the NEED to involve us or be overly welcoming....which is really not what I'm asking for. I just want friends. I had a rough summer and I want someone to debrief with. I haven't digested everything yet and it's not just moving or not being able to go to med school. It's other things too. It's all inside and it needs to come out...

I think it has a lot to do with my loss of independence. I had a job in Toronto, I was in school...I knew my way around and didn't have to hold a freakin' map. I knew exactly what used to be in front of the long building across the street, near the giant tiger and was very excited about the new Tim Hortons being built there...I knew my neighborhood.

I'll get through it. Nobody said it was easy

I'm going to ignore it.

I chose to ignore it. It's hard but I can't help it. Not because I don't have the guts to confront them, but because them too much to want to see them get embarassed in front of their child. I hope my mother will understand. I have nothing else to say about this :(

Pisces

It's been about 4 months since I've blogged. So many things have happened...and I've had my reasons for not blogging and to be fair, I've even decided not to blog again...until today. I was feeling so down and frustrated with life (I'll get to this in a sec.), but I came across my horoscope on MSN (I don't necessarily believe in Horoscopes but this one caught my attention). It read:
EDIT: the reading changed appearenly and I can't seem to find it anymore! But it said that I should write down what's bothering...and that's when I remembered my blog.
ASIDE: it's kind of weird how the new horoscope reading for Pisces says:

"It's a long road, this life, and it's full of big questions. But go ahead and try to work out solutions to the immediate problems. Taking a practical approach might be just the ticket. Clean your room, organize your office, make sure your bills are in order and then go out at night. Time with friends can be a needed relief from all those solitary 'where does this road go anyhow' questions"

^ This is exactly what I feel/need right now. I couldn't have said it any better. I find it weird or maybe its just a coincidence! But yeah. I'll have more to blog about this in the next few days since I don't anticipate the sight of sunshine anytime soon.

So I moved to Winnipeg. Big change. I think I might have actually liked this city had I moved here a little earlier....Like 10 years ago for example. But moving at 23, I feel like it's a little too late to adjust to a new environment AND actually call it "home". It certainly doesn't happen overnight and it will take a lot of effort on my part...but it was just uncalled for. But thats not something I want to discuss here.
So we took the train from Toronto to Winnipeg and man were we exhuasuted! That week, the whole week but especially the two days before Canada day, were the worst days of my life!!! But we've survived them and we've learned a lot from the experience, I think. So we arrived in Winnipeg on July, 3rd. I believe it was a Saturday. My mother and sister were already there...the first few weeks were just awkward. It was hard to adjust to the new place, the atmosphere...having to live with dad and my brother again, not being in charge anymore. It just felt awkward. And on top of that, I met many so-called "family friends" that I was expected to associate with and regard as friends (BS, not in a million years!). Man, I can write a book about the community here! But that's for another post.

So anyway, this is Winnipeg:
Flat lands, farms and mosquitoes. No I'm joking, there's more to Winnipeg. Nothing like Tdot of course...But it's not as bad as I intially thought it would be. People here are very friendly but I haven't done actual "city discovering" yet. I don't feel like it. I'm not over the fact that I moved. That I'm not in school anymore. That I'm 23. That med school didn't work out. That my application package got lost in the mail. That our mortgage was the reason why my line of credit got rejected. That I can't find a job. That I don't friends. That I hate this place.
The list can go on and on....but its only natural. I want to give myself sometime. I need to give myself sometime.

Eid was good. Quiet. But alright. We went to the prayer...and then to the Eid carnival... There's a small mosque not too far from where I live. And I got to meet a couple of really nice girls that I hope I can make friends with (I can't believe I'm actually saying that...it's like kindergarten all over again!).


And finally, in the midst of all of this messiness, I had a great cup of pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks today! It truly warmed my heart. It was my first time leaving the house in 3 days. I actually sat on my ass for 3 days and did abseloutely nothing. Life is so boring these days.
I wonder if its only me or if this actually happens to everyone after they graduate and they're done school. I feel so unproductive. I need a change in my life. I need to spice things up before its too late :(
Till next time,

Freedom

I went grocery shopping today and on the bus I saw this gorgeous little girl with her mom, she kept looking at me and smiling and that sure made my day. Made me think about kids, about having a kid (just for fun lol), I don't know. It felt weird, felt like I shouldn't even be on that bus, shopping at 12:00pm when I should be attending my physio lecture or something. It feels weird not to have to worry about tomorrow's neuroscience midterm or drugs and the brain's paper. It's a totally new feeling! I've had breaks before when I traveled and stuff but its never been like "OK I have no readings, papers/ a new semester to worry about". It's a good feeling for sure but it feels awkward. I don't wanna get used to it.

On a more positive note, I've been sort of having fun lately...having a life, catching up with old friends, people from work, my brother...helping around the house. I went bowling with my friends from work last night. It was fun. But I now know that I SUCK at bowling lol it was fun nonetheless, I'd do it again.

I hung out with my brother a couple of days ago at fairview. We caught up...and we are planning a montreal/new york trip pretty soon. I'm excited about that! Other than that, there's not much going on....well I guess I'm coming down with the flu and won't be able to do much for a while :( which totally sucks because I have about a month left in Toronto and I want to use everyday of it! I'm excited about our TODO weekend!!! It's gonna be a lot of fun, I just hope it doesn't rain!
Oh and for the first time in my life, I actually tried NY fries. They were SOOO good. I've always been against eating fries at fast foods restaurants (mainly because my best friend used to work at McDonald's back in highschool and told me all kinds of horror stories about the oil that they fry with), but those fries were so darn good. I think I'm gonna give fries a second chance!

Till next time dear diary

Caught between a rock and a hard place.

These days, I've been noticing that I'm so much like my mom in personality. It's incredible. I never thought I'd be saying this but after being so passive/"emotionally detached" for the past few days, I realized that we have so much in common. We are both confused and we both want it all. No wonder I turned out to be a perfectionist. Now I know where I get it from (although I think my case is a lot more extreme than mom's). And yet at times we seem so different. I guess the age, generation, mindset etc factor in but yeah it got me thinking.

Med school might not work out. I know. I still can't believe it and its gonna take me a long time to digest this. I'm trying to be hopeful, trying to have faith, to have trust in Him. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out for a reason. I talked to 3 bank reps so far and all three said that securing a line of credit is close to impossible if my parents are applying for a line of mortgage at the same time, unless their income is $100K+ which is obviously not the case. So now my parents want to co-sign my loan application and do the mortgage later, even though this might jeprodize their likliness of getting their mortgage application approved! How am I supposed to feel about this? It blows. The house comes first of course, but if we get the mortgage then we might not get the line of credit. It stinks. and what blows even more is the fact that we won't "know" until we get one of them approved. My parents said that my future is more important but I know that deep inside they are heart broken. and that's completely understandable. I just don't know what to do, I'm so confused. So yesterday my father called me and said that he has around $30K that he was going to invest but now he's willing to pay my first 16 months tuition and then apply for a loan after the 16 months. I don't know how I feel about that. Sure its nice not having to pay interest or anything but its a lot of money and he can do a lot with it. My mom on the hand is against the whole thing. She thinks that its not worth it. It's a long way, full of obsticles, stress and grey hairs as she put it. And she couldn't be more right but Its been done before and even though I know deep inside that this is what I've always wanted and dreamed of, it still gets to me when she says stuff like that. Like by the time I actually graduate and start practising, I'll be around 28-30 (depending on how smooth things go), by then its too late to get married. It might just not happen. And shes right, knowing people from my culture, corssing that 25-26 age line places you in a pretty awk situation. Espeically for a girl. It's tough.

And then there's my worries about my mother's health. Shes been complaining about numbness in her left hand and her left fingers. It scares the sh*t out of me. Last wednesday, I literally forced her to go to our family doctor and I went with her. The doctor seemed pretty concerned. She ordered a whole bunch of tests etc, and she also diagnosed her with a disease she called Raynaud's phenomenon which is pretty scary but according to the doc, its not very alarming. she hasn't done her tests yet and that's probably gonna take another month or so of arguing and begging on my part, but I'm on it. I get that she's scared. I get that she knows that something is up. But if we don't treat it, if she doesn't start listening to her body, I'm afraid its gonna lead to serious consequences. I draw a lot of myself confidence from my mom. She's my inspiration, the flame that lights my life. I can't imagine life without her, not even for a second. Sometimes I feel that that might be one of the reasons why she doesn't want me to do med. school in the Caribbeans, far away from her. She keeps tellign me that life is short and to enjoy the things I have now. I don't know....

I just dont' knwo what i would do if I don't go to med school in the Caribbeans. Grad. school is not an option for me. I don't have anything I'm passionate enought about to be doing for the rest of my life or to be studying in a lab. I don't know what I would do. and to make things even worst, I don't knwo what I would do in WINNIPEG, a small, old-fashioned town. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh it feels like my head is going to explode :( and what sucks even mroe is that I can't talk to my mom about it anymore and she won't stop talking about getting married and having a family every time I bring up med school. I don't know.

I'm so confused and the more I think about it the more I hate being an adult. I want med school, I want my parents and I want to have a normal life, get married and have a family. Can't have it all. And don't know how to prioritize things either. I don't want to make decisions. I don't want the responsibility :(
Ugh! I don't know who to turn to :(

till next time.