Caught between a rock and a hard place.

These days, I've been noticing that I'm so much like my mom in personality. It's incredible. I never thought I'd be saying this but after being so passive/"emotionally detached" for the past few days, I realized that we have so much in common. We are both confused and we both want it all. No wonder I turned out to be a perfectionist. Now I know where I get it from (although I think my case is a lot more extreme than mom's). And yet at times we seem so different. I guess the age, generation, mindset etc factor in but yeah it got me thinking.

Med school might not work out. I know. I still can't believe it and its gonna take me a long time to digest this. I'm trying to be hopeful, trying to have faith, to have trust in Him. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out for a reason. I talked to 3 bank reps so far and all three said that securing a line of credit is close to impossible if my parents are applying for a line of mortgage at the same time, unless their income is $100K+ which is obviously not the case. So now my parents want to co-sign my loan application and do the mortgage later, even though this might jeprodize their likliness of getting their mortgage application approved! How am I supposed to feel about this? It blows. The house comes first of course, but if we get the mortgage then we might not get the line of credit. It stinks. and what blows even more is the fact that we won't "know" until we get one of them approved. My parents said that my future is more important but I know that deep inside they are heart broken. and that's completely understandable. I just don't know what to do, I'm so confused. So yesterday my father called me and said that he has around $30K that he was going to invest but now he's willing to pay my first 16 months tuition and then apply for a loan after the 16 months. I don't know how I feel about that. Sure its nice not having to pay interest or anything but its a lot of money and he can do a lot with it. My mom on the hand is against the whole thing. She thinks that its not worth it. It's a long way, full of obsticles, stress and grey hairs as she put it. And she couldn't be more right but Its been done before and even though I know deep inside that this is what I've always wanted and dreamed of, it still gets to me when she says stuff like that. Like by the time I actually graduate and start practising, I'll be around 28-30 (depending on how smooth things go), by then its too late to get married. It might just not happen. And shes right, knowing people from my culture, corssing that 25-26 age line places you in a pretty awk situation. Espeically for a girl. It's tough.

And then there's my worries about my mother's health. Shes been complaining about numbness in her left hand and her left fingers. It scares the sh*t out of me. Last wednesday, I literally forced her to go to our family doctor and I went with her. The doctor seemed pretty concerned. She ordered a whole bunch of tests etc, and she also diagnosed her with a disease she called Raynaud's phenomenon which is pretty scary but according to the doc, its not very alarming. she hasn't done her tests yet and that's probably gonna take another month or so of arguing and begging on my part, but I'm on it. I get that she's scared. I get that she knows that something is up. But if we don't treat it, if she doesn't start listening to her body, I'm afraid its gonna lead to serious consequences. I draw a lot of myself confidence from my mom. She's my inspiration, the flame that lights my life. I can't imagine life without her, not even for a second. Sometimes I feel that that might be one of the reasons why she doesn't want me to do med. school in the Caribbeans, far away from her. She keeps tellign me that life is short and to enjoy the things I have now. I don't know....

I just dont' knwo what i would do if I don't go to med school in the Caribbeans. Grad. school is not an option for me. I don't have anything I'm passionate enought about to be doing for the rest of my life or to be studying in a lab. I don't know what I would do. and to make things even worst, I don't knwo what I would do in WINNIPEG, a small, old-fashioned town. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh it feels like my head is going to explode :( and what sucks even mroe is that I can't talk to my mom about it anymore and she won't stop talking about getting married and having a family every time I bring up med school. I don't know.

I'm so confused and the more I think about it the more I hate being an adult. I want med school, I want my parents and I want to have a normal life, get married and have a family. Can't have it all. And don't know how to prioritize things either. I don't want to make decisions. I don't want the responsibility :(
Ugh! I don't know who to turn to :(

till next time.