I need a charger

or better yet a defibrillator. I need to restart my system. I need a break. I can't do this anymore and I can't believe that school is starting soon. I didn't do anything this holiday. All I did was work. work. work. Ugh I hate my life. I'm so not motivated to do anything. Mom went to the mosque today for Ashura...which used to be an event I would look forward to, but not anymore. I didn't go with them. She was very disappointed. But oh well, I have alot on my plate at the moment. I can't digest everything at once and have a social life (not that this is possible, given my work conditions).


Yesterday, I almost had an asthma attack, I felt energy-less (don't know if thats a word). I literally couldn't even talk. And it was boxing day...I was so tired all day. and to be honest, I'm still tired and not in a blogging mood but I thought its been a while and I need to take some of this stuff off of my chest...


I'm seriously considering creating a sub-blog, I want it to be private though. There are so many things I want to talk about but I just don't feel very comfortable expressing them here. Something like a diary. Something private.

Another project I'm thinking of launching is the Corners of my Life project. What this project is about is basically talking/posting different pictures of corners/places around UTSC, Toronto, my house, friends etc...I thought it would be neat since I'm leaving Toronto in the summer. and I may not come back again *tears*. But thats not gonna be a whole new blog, just a bunch of posts.


Anyhow, now I wanna talk about shopping. Yesterday was boxing day and I didn't go shopping :(
but I've been doing a lot of online shopping. Oh yeah, I got my boots from http://www.gojane.com/ and I am abseloutely in love with them! They are so comfortable and cute! I put another order through and will post up pictures as soon as I receive it.



Today however, I was on A&F's website and found this really cute classic shirt. It is so simple and elegent :) I think I'm gonna get it...I just don't have time to go shopping and I don't wanna order it on their webstie because I have to try it in their store first.

So yeah, as you can tell from the above, my thoughts are pretty much scattered all over the place but thats because its 4:04AM and I am soooo tired.
I'm planning to bake something tomorrow :)

Till next time,

www.GoJane.com and I hate Forever21

Hello world :)

Yesterday I was so pissed off! I went on Forever21's website to order this really gorgeous dress that I found. It was only $7.99! So I put the dress in the cart (after having signed into my F21 account of course) and then I kept shopping. I thought it wouldn't be worth it if I only bought one thing and paid $10 for shipping. So I was looking around to find other things that would match with the dress...Like I grabbed a pair of leggings, a pendant necklace and my sister found a fancy mini skirt that she wanted to wear to her friend's all-girls Christmas party. So anyhow, so we ended up with about 5 or 6 item, total came up to $44.00 and we're like yeah whatever. So I click on "continue to checkout" and it says to me "Sorry one of your items is out of stock, please remove item to proceed". I flipped. It turned out that they ran out while I was shopping and they just decided to take stuff out of people's carts. What the heck were they thinking? Just because I took my time to look for accessories, it doesn't mean that I wasn't serious. And the funny thing is, I did it all in one sitting. It's not like I logged out, navigated away from the browser and then came back to find it gone, no I was there, on their website, the whole time. It was so frustrating. I spent more than an hour trying to match an outfit :( I hate Forever21 now. I wrote them an e-mail but they haven't responded yet. It was so frustrating! So I emptied my cart right away and closed my window. I was so mad :(

But to ease off this frustration (lol) I went on GoJane and I found my size in these boots that I've been wanting for a month now! THEY ARE GORGEOUS! I don't expect them to last for long. I tried them on at Dukati and they were pretty comfortable but just not winter material. I was thinking of wearing it inside. OMG I love them. Here's how they look:

As you can see, they are prtty short which is perfect. I wasn't looking for anything hookerish material. I hate long boots, especially if you have long legs. It just looks wrong.

So they had them in blue, mustard, and black but as mentioned in my pervious blog, grey is the colour of the season!!! I have never shopped from GoJane before but I thoguht I would give it a try.

On a negative note, I have an exam tomorrow and I have only finished 5 chapters out of the 16 chapters assigned. I am silently freaking out lol. I hate this :( And I'm supposed to meet up with someone to go over the notes (which I don't even have yet). I don't know
ugh
Miracles!

Till next time,

UGGS

Okay so I only have 15 minutes to write this blog because I have to start studying at 11. I have been slacking off a lot lately :( I was supposed to finish 5 chapters yesterday but it didn't happen. Instead, I only finished 2 chapters. Ugh I hate myself! I'm probably gonna leave it to the last minute. I could so see it happening! But oh well. Anyhow...I hate the TTC. Today, I left home at 8:30am and I got here at 10:30am. It took me 2 hours to get here when I live so close by. It only takes 12mins driving. I want a car!!!! I really want a car.

And on top of that, I was wearing my Lacoste boots...I'm telling you, by the time I got here, my feet were frozen. My socks were frozen. Its so frustrating. I'm gonna have to get myself a pair of UGGS. I just don't have time to go to the mall. I'm so busy with exams etc...plus I heard they're cheaper online. Someone recommended a website called ShoeGhost I've never really shopped from there. I still have to read their return/refund policy. I really like these UGGS though.

My sister has a pair of EMUs, she says that they're pretty comfortable, although I don't see her wearing them anymore. I got them for her last Christmas. Honestly, I don't care about style anymore, not after today anyway. All I want is a pair of comfortable boots that can put it with Toronto's harsh winter. Is that so much to ask for?
I would really appreciate any suggestions!

Alright, time to go to the library!!!

Till next time,

Disappointment

I'm very disappointed in myself. I asked my Prof. for an extension for my thesis and was granted but I didn't do anything. I wish I hadn't. I wish had handed it in when everyone else did. They're done and can focus on their finals. UGh I hate being the loser.

I'm so behind in school and there is NO WAY that I can go to work this weekend. I'm so confused. I'm so fed up. Ugh, I hate myself.

I just want to scream.

MIRACLES!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly

Who was I kidding? I'm just not cut out for it! I want med. school and this time I want to be sure. I don't want anything to stop me. No more distractions!

Ugh! I have tons of things to finish this weekend!

I need miracles!

Till next time

Haul

So here are a few things I grabbed when I went shopping yesterday. I really shouldn't be shopping :( I'm loaded with work. But I feel like shopping takes some of that stress away....Maybe I'm just trying to justify my bad spending habits. But oh well, it's a phase lol (here I am again justifying things). For some reason, I'm in love with gray! Gray and pink, peachy pink! I didn't get anything fancy....Just the basics.
So to start off, I bought these really cute flats from Costa Blanca

They are not very comfortable but I do have to break them in. They stretch.



And here's how they look on me :) They don't look as nice when you wear them with socks but it's kinda chilly outside. Can't wear them alone. But I'm abs. in love with them!



Next I went to Winners and I grabbed a couple of things. First I got this Calvin Klein Coat...It's not special, really. Just simple which is what I wanted. It might be a little too big though. I just wanted something I could wear on a regular basis I guess. But yeah I like it overall. Just not crazy about it lol. I love Winners.



It feels sooooooo soft! It's virgin wool


Then I got this ADORABLE purse also from Winners. I couldn't get my mind off of it. I had to have it. It wasn't that expensive. about $23. But It's so elegant and you can totally spice up an outfit

For example, this is what my outfit today looked like. Just a plain pink tank top and a plain cardigan with my favorite Hamsa necklace which my sister got me from Aldo. Add the bag, and you have a complete outfit! I love it.



Then I went to H&M and my goodness. They had this gigantic sale on gloves and scarves! So I grabbed this really cute gray scarf. I also got another headscarf but it wasn't gray (surprisingly), it was blue. Royal blue, much like my Steve Madden flats. But yeah, I'm very excited that H&M and Zara will soon have an online shopping option! That will save me so much time and effort!



Then I went to Walmart and I got myself a french manicure set for Eid. I haven't tried it yet but it looks legit lol. You can kind of see my books in the background. ha ha. I should be studying :(



And that completes the haul.

I finally got around to picking up my hair straightener from Pullator. I completely forgot about it. But I love it! Its very smooth and it heats up so fast. I already straightened my sister's hair with it and it literally took 15 minutes! I haven't tried it on my hair yet, I've been very busy but I guess sometime this weekend!!



It's also ceramic so it's supposed to wash your hair and straighten it at the same time (or at least so I heard)



Alright, that is it.

Till next time,

Ticking clocks

Hello,

I'm so cold! Its freezing cold where I am. I'm not in a studying mood at all and haven't been for the past 3 weeks. My brain is too busy thinking about other things...may things. I don't know if Med. school is for me...or if its even possible. But one thing I know is that the more I think about it, the more I like it....the more I picture myself in the ER, wearing a whitecoat and running around in the hospital's hallways, much like Meredith in Grey's Anatomy.

Sounds silly, but I'm slowly falling in love with Med. school lol. Wrong timing. And then comes the guy, who is kind of hopeful now....Last time I spoke to him he told me that he doesn't mind me going to school etc...but he personally thinks that people are better off working. Making money. I felt like we think differently when it comes to money. I'm a spender (when it comes to school) and he's an investor. But balance is nice, it would a nice combo. We are supposed to be meeting this Thursday. And I really REALLY have to go shopping sometime on Wednesday or Tuesday. But before I do that, I have to pick up my hair straightener which has been held at the purallator office for God knows how long now. Not nice. I also have to get my TB test pretty soon for the hospital volunteer position thingy. Ugh! I should take a picture of my planner! It literally has something written in every box! It's ridiculous! This semester has been pretty busy. OMG and now that I talk about planners, I forgot that this week is Grad photos week!!! My Goodness! I can't take a picture this week, seriously. I have pimples all over my face. The stress level is unbearable. So yeah, as usual, I need a miracle.


Anyhow, so my thesis is due in a week and I haven't started ANYTHING yet. I think I only have 1 page. I hate my life. There's just so much thinking to do and I'm running out of time. I took next weekend off. I want to spend the weekend in the library but its gonna be Eid, which means that I'll probably have to "do" things with my sisters....and that I'm not looking forward to. Eid doesn't mean much to me anymore, unfortunately. I even stopped going to Eid prayers....the mosque is way too far and I don't have a car. My mom is going this year...I don't think I will, although it would be refreshing.

Speaking of freshness, in an attempt to get my mind off of my thesis, med. school and marriage, I decided to bake. I'll upload some pictures of the cupcakes I baked. I put in some Oreo cookies in them and they turned out phenomenal!!! Meh, something seems to be working.

Till next time,



P.S. the blog's title is inspired by Coldplay's new song Clocks <3

Last night

It was pretty hectic. I was running around between interviews and seminars. but it was worth it. I gained a lot of information and I'm glad they were pretty realistic about things. The more I think about med school the more I want it. The more I think it is the thing for me. It takes a lot.

It's probably one of the most important decisions of my life. I don't know why but I'm starting to think that it is possible...if I work on it of course (which I'm currently not). I don't know why but I feel like I'm familiar with things and at the same time very overwhelmed. It's not easy to explain. But I know that I want to be a doctor....one day. Mom seems less convinced now that I started talking to the guy. She thinks I'm better off doing my graduate studies etc... I don't know. I'm lost.

I like the scene outside of where I'm sitting. There's just a lot ALOT ALOT!!!!

ugh
Till next time

Halal Date

So on Monday I went on my first "halal date". According to me it was Halal anyway....I'm pretty sure there's people out there who would consider it Haram but anyway. It felt pretty awkward at first. Specially that my mother was there and the guy was there alone. I have no idea how he must have felt. But then my mom left us and we sat down and talked about things...he does come across as a pretty simple, down to earth guy which is contrary to what I thought of Iraqi guys...but I guess generalization is bad. so yeah, we talked about a whole bunch of random things. Height is an issue...with me being almost 5 inches taller than him. I don't know how I felt about it. It's like I've always had shorter friends and so walking with someone shorter than me, be it a male or a female is kinda normal since I am pretty darn tall. But to actually think of him as something more than just a male is different. and I'm pretty sure I cant conceptualize it quite yet. It takes time...it takes time for me to first start liking him and then experience the height difference in that context. I tried to explain that to him...I don't know if I sounded like I was pretty enthusiastic about the whole thing...I'm just naturally like that but I think he was under the impression that I liked him. Which I can't comment on right now...I just have no feelings towards him. It's so weird.
I actually never thought I was gonna meet someone this way. I always imagined myself falling in love with someone and then marrying them. Never thought about parents and their involvement but I have to admit that imagination is pretty unrealistic.
So there are many things I wanted to talk about but I'll save them for later since I'm literally loaded with work. I have an interview at St. Mike's tomorrow and then a conference at St. George so I have very little time for studying and my thesis is due in less than 2 weeks. I'm going nuts here.

I need a miracle, as usual.

Till next time

Fireflies and more....

Hello.
Been a while as usual. I don't know where time goes...it just disappears. It felt like I was doing things but I just can't remember what they were...so its as if I didn't do a thing this last week. I went to work., that's something I remember. I did no studying, however I did do a lot of thinking/reflecting on my current situation. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I just wasn't cut out for being a wife or a mom. It's like my mind and my heart are two different opposing forces, one wants me to do what's logical from an Iraqi point of view and the other wants me to go to the Caribbean and start my life there. The latter being my heart.

This whole talk about mind and heart brings me to the highlight of my week, or rather month. I went on my first "halal date". I will not discuss this here in this post, it really needs a whole new post. But yeah other than that, I've been pretty busy conducting interviews or my thesis. I don't feel like I'm putting enough effort into it, even though I was literally just running around last week trying to collect different views etc...but it still feels like something is missing. Like I don't have any structured questions which is part of the whole phonological approach but still, it feels like I'm not doing enough. I need structure. Other than the thesis,lets see...Oh I've been having fun too lol. I went out with my friend on Friday. We went shopping downtown, it was a lot of fun but it was hectic. My legs were killing me afterward :(

I've also been playing around with my camera and so I have a few pictures to post....Not the best but its a start.



These pictures were taken outside of my university. It's pretty depressing outside nowadays. Leaves are falling, skies are gray. Not very impressive.




Random rocks outside in the front yard.


Downtown Toronto


Dundas Square



Our neighbor's little daughter in motion

So it's another day...

It's another day of studying, pondering, wondering, battling, and the list goes on and on.

I had a very hard time falling asleep last night. I don't know if it was the conversation I had with mom or just being intimidated by tomorrow's midterm. I really don't know. My eyes were open the whole time but my brain was static. It wasn't thinking about anything, its as if it was making a statement: I'm sick of thinking. I closed my eyes at around 4:48am and woke up at 6: 13am. and again, I battled my way to sleep until I finally woke up at 7:58am. The plan was to wake up at 4:00am after having slept for 6hours continuously...but that obviously wasn't the case. I'm so screwed up. I don't know where to begin and I'm running out of time.
I had a class today at 9:00am, I somehow, miraculously, made it to class on time. Having not done the readings before hand, I felt like an a** sitting in class and just staring at the prof. She actually was under the impression that I was "smart" but alas, I showed her the exact opposite today. Funny thing is I was actually gonna ask her for a ref. letter. Shove that.
I got my assignment back today. The TA's comment said that I needed to "give it a little more thought"....which I kind of agree with. I didn't fully analyze my data but I did work hard on the stuff I analyzed...It's just that I didn't have enough time. Anyhow, I got an 84%. I didn't know what to expect which is, to me, a sign of failure. You should have a rough idea of what is going on. Not having a clue as to what you should be getting can either mean that the prof. is unpredictable or that you just arbitrarily did whatever and in this case, it is the latter.

On a different note, I almost died in class today. Not only because I hadn't done the readings before coming to class but also because I didn't have my coffee in the morning :( I struggled through the class. I don't feel well today at all. I don't know how I'm gonna go through the day, finish the readings, analyze the darn readings and put everything together in an essay format.

I need a miracle.

Till next time

Self-reflction

A lot has happened since the last time I blogged. I don't know where to begin...and I know that I'm not ready to talk about it all, but one thing I want to say is that I had a chance to reflect on the progress I've made in the past 4 years of my life.

It was a lot to taken at once, but I'm glad it has brought me to the realization that I cannot let everything I've worked on from grade 1 til now, go down the drains. Just like that.

My thoughts are not very organized, they're all over the place. I guess that's why I'm here. I wouldn't have blogged about this if it wasn't for the fact that I want to clear my head. Basically, it was a guy. He proposed to me, even though he had never seen me before. The whole thing itself made me feel very uncomfortable. Anyhow, to make story short, I rejected him. But I don't know why I initially agreed to converse with him, get to know him etc. Reflecting back on it now, I think it might have been a sign of disparity or frustration. Was I really ready to get married? I'm 22, haven't graduated yet (we weren't going to get married before I graduated anyway, but still why did I even think about it'?)
My mother had a lot to do with it. She convinced me that he had a lot of good qualities that I wouldn't be able to find in other Iraqi guys, like education, family reputation, financial security etc...all of which are important factors, but should not be the reason for compromising a dream that I've always had. How could I? I was clearly giving up on myself.

The whole thing made me sit back and think about where I am now, and where I will be in a few months from now (after graduation). Where am I heading? Do I have any plans? Turns out that I was really giving up on myself.

Anyhow, I have decided to pursue my dream again. My dream of becoming a doctor. I don't how long it takes, and how much it costs. I'm willing to make a lot of sacrifices for this dream. The only thing that throws me off is the fact that "it is not guaranteed". Nothing is guaranteed in life anyway.

Anyway, I want to write more about my current situation, my plans etc.. how I will approach the goal etc..
Here we go again, my mother is sitting next to me and lecturing me on how I should just get married because I'm not going anywhere with the whole med. school bizz. I hate it. She's starting to think a lot like these stupid women form the mosque. I don't understand why my mother has a mentality of a high school drop out, even though she has a degree in mechanical engineering. She sounds a lot like my grandmother's mother. I swear even my grandmother is more open-minded. It makes me want to cry. It's so discouraging. I wish I had someone who could give me that extra push,. Someone to say "it's gonna be alright", just keep doing what you're doing and its gonna be alright. I don't have that in my life. I wish the Admission Committee would know that.
I want a hug

Till next time

Manitoba

So its been a while, I know...I was just so frustrated with everything...and didnt' feel like blogging :( I feel a lot better now...I just came back from Manitoba a week ago. I went to see my father and brother. I had a lot of fun. It was so unplanned. I just booked my flight ticket, called my father and asked if he could pick me up from the airport.

The city, and really I shouldn't be calling it a 'city' since its like a quarter of Toronto, is so quiet and very family oriented. most people live on farms and have huge families...still remember the scene of families of 8 kids shopping at the Superstore. It was hilarious...their shopping cart was FULL of bread and milk lol.

The whole point of me going there was to help me arrive at a logical conclusion concerning the move...and to be honest, I'm still undecided. I like the city, the people seem friendly (but they keep their distance), but I don't know if I can actually live there forever. Vacation is obviously different, you are just there to shop, have fun etc. but living there is a whole new story.

Funny thing is I can barely remember how Baghdad looks like, I left when I was about 6 years old...the only thing I remember is our house and the memory is restricated to the front yard because that's where I hung out with my friends but as soon as I saw the Red River in Winnipeg, I felt like I was in Baghdad, standing on a bridge that overlooks Dijla or Al-Forat River. I don't know why. Maybe because the place itself is not as modern as Toronto that I'm starting to associate it with Iraq...Not sure.

All in all, it was a nice break...only problem is I missed the first two weeks of school. which wasn't exactly fun because I'm so behind in everything.

Few other things happened and I would like to blog about them however time does not permit. perhaps I'll blog again tonight...There is a lot that I want to let out...especially things concerning the new tenant (we rented our basement). Its making me discover aspects of myself that I didn't even think existed in the first place. My mother is abs in love with the girl...She's from Bangladesh and wears the most disturbing perfume EVER. It honestly makes me want to vomit! Shes just one of those people that make you feel very uncomfortable. And I'm starting to have problems with my mother because of her...Like today in the morning, I woke up, made breakfast for myself and packed my lunch. Last week I had bought a roll of aluminum foil for sandwiches etc and I think I only used it once to wrap a sandwich. Today, I woke up and found an empty roll in the garbage (not even in the recycling bin). So I asked my mom and she said she didn't know who used it last....I looked in the fridge and found that the girl had used the foil to wrap her food with it. She literally finished the whole roll, I think she must have wrapped the damn bowl 40 times to finish that roll. It was so inconsiderate of her. I know it was only $2.99 but she could have asked! So I told my mother and she said I was being "cheap" and that hanging out with my Jewish friends has turned me into this greedy-mean-machine. and you can imagine where the conversation went from there...a word from me, two from here and we are arguing again. UGH here I am talking about it again. Maybe I should, I need to make peace with these issues :( Oh my God I should have ended this blog long time ago lol.

Till next time.

So they left...

...on Tuesday, Aug/11/09 at 8:38am. I can't believe it happened. It just did. So fast, without any hesitation. It happened. Last week went by so fast. I can never forget the looks my father gave my mom...They were pretty serious. They almost said "I trust that you'll take care of the girls. You have a big responsibility. I'll try my best. I love you". They were pretty deep looks. I don't feel like typing a lot today. I have to study for my last exam. I'm so frustrated.

UGH!

Till next time

The Periodic Table of Texting?

Yeah. I know. I expected Chemistry. LOL It did put a smile on my face I have to admit. Hahaha. It's cute, not sure I would wear it....





till next time

Alright, here it comes again!

I just lost everything I typed :( Oh well, here it comes again. I bought a new 12.1 MP, HD, wide angle Canon camera! I love Canon. I haven't used it yet....I've been reading the user guide booklet, it seems pretty easy to use. That's why I like Canon, very user-friendly (unlike Nikon). It also comes with a software that you download on the computer to play around with the pic. Kinda cool but I haven't explored it yet. But yea, as of now, I should have no excuse for not being able to take pics lol.

The original blog which was deleted by blogspot for some sort of technical reason, was titled "The Big Bang Theory". It's this new drama show that I've started watching recently. It's just simply hilarious...The show revolves around 4 nerdy physicists who struggle to "fit-in" and impress their next door hot blonde neighbour. I just can't get enough of it. I usually watch all of my shows online (www.curcica.com)--> free website that lets you watch pretty much every show out there. I kind of feel guilty about it but oh well.

I just ordered this really cute t-shirt online from bluenotes. I don't usually shop from bluenotes but this t-shirt caught my attention! It's got the periodic table on it, it's just simply adorable. I'll take a pic of it once I get it. I'm kind of in a "nerdy mood" these days...I don't know if it's the big bang theory or just me lol.

I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. I have a volunteer information session at Western Toronto Hospital, wich is a hospital specialized in neuroscientific research. I hope I get the position...I hate how everything nowadays is about competion. It's freakin' volunteer, you're not being paid...and yet you're competing against hundreds of students who apply for the position. That's kind of why my parents want to move out of Toronto...Toronto=Immigrants=Competion for limited resources. I'm pretty sure if I lived in Winnipeg, I would be able to get a volunteer position very easily...But then again there's the benefits of multiculturaism here. Toronto is very multicultural, you pretty much find people here from all around the world...which is good and bad at the same time. Winnipeg (which is where my parents are planning to move) is a pretty "white/natives province" which means that they're probably gonna be scared of us for a little which since we're "different" from everyone else there. The thought of it itself stresses me out. But I've put it up with a lot of ignorant people in the past...

Anyway, it's 5:30am.

till next time

Pissed off

I just wrote a very long blog, possibly 6 paragraphs and it all got deleted! I HATE blospot!

www.dedemed.com

I found this awesome website as I was surfing the net. It is so helpful and the instructions are written for someone who knows practically nothing about cooking--idiot-proof. I love the way Dede explains things. I made Fatteh today and it turned out AMAZING! Everyone enjoyed it. I'm gonna make spinach pie today and may something else....I'm thinking chesse sticks *yummy*

I'm a little sick today. Can't breathe, used my puffer twice already (I don't have asthma but my family doctor suggested prescribed it). I'm so tired :(

Still looking for a good camera so I can start taking pics/videos and uploading them here.

till next time

Horrible Internet connection

Unfortunately I haven't been able to blog a lot lately due to "network problems" that Rogers is experiencing! Very unacceptable but what do you do. Its supposed to be working tomorrow....I'm at work right now, it's 6:24am. I'm done in 30 minutes :) :) :) thought I would blog before I go home...

I got my shoes!!!!! They are so AHHH-DOR-ABLE! I love 'em. I still don't have an outfit to match but that I can work on later. I need to buy a digtial camera ASAP! My phone's camera is pretty crappy and it won't let me upload pics onto the computer. It's gay.
I swear we have like 3 digital cameras but alas, none of them work when I want them to work! So I've decided to buy my own digital camera and not share it with anyone else. I'm not exactly very tech savvy so I'm just gonna go for Canon, hopefully a lithium-powered one.

Yeah that's all I think. I'm tired.

till next time

Steve Madden Shoes

This really shouldn't be the title of this blog because I will be talking about other things as well...but I guess the steve madden flats are the highlight of it lol! OMG, I can't wait to get them but at the same I'm a little worried about the shipping. They said it would only take 5-7 days and its been 8 days already :( I know that it's legit because I ordered it off the Steve Madden website. I'm usually very traditional when it comes to buying shoes, either black or brown. probably because it's easy to match everything with these colours and also because my mother is not very adventerous and hates adventerous people *sight* I remember once asking her if I could buy a green pair of flats and she went ballistic on me. She thinks it's a total waste of money. But black is boring, especially when you have 4 black flats. Anyhow, so this time I decided to go blue!!!! Royal blue, Michael Kors blue! I love the colour. I don't have anything to match with it yet, but I guess I can wear it with pretty much any dark-colured top. I need a purse to go with it for sure, but I'm gonna hold that urge for now, I need to pay my tuition first.

On a different note, my mother isnt talking to me...and my dad is kind of tagging along with her. I think I'm slowly turning into this mad, miserable night owl :( It's true. This shift is slowly murdering my social life. All I do is sleep and wake up, go to work, come home sleep, wake up and go to work. I shouldn't have signed up for extra shifts, it's too much :(

I want to apologize to my mom. I want to tell her that I'm trying everything I could in order to be "normal" but it's just not working! I can't be normal if I have to stay up all night at work. I have got to sleep when I come home, and becuase it's VERY extremely difficult to fall asleep during the day when everyone is talking, little sisters playing, phone ringing every 5 mings, I end up spending the entire day trying to fall asleep.

Then there's the whole Manitoba thing. I have no idea why things are happening so fast or even how. My life has always been static for the most part, things don't move that fast....It usually takes my parents a VERY LONG time to come to a final decision. But this time things happened fast. I dont know how I should feel about it. I don't want to move anymore :( I spent my whole life traveling and I've had it now. I never got to form real friendships...always on the go. And now that things have finally settled and I've started to make friends etc., my parents want to move again. Thing is, I'm not a school girl anymore. I'm in univeristy and moving is not easy for a U student. I don't know if med school is possible and I don't want to do my masters there...I'm conrfused and I wish my mother would be there for me, instead of acting chidish as usual.

I understand that the whole family is stressed but this is very important for me and I obviously can't say that I want to stay here alone. It just won't happen. I'm confused.

Here is how the shoes should look like.

Till next time

Been a WHILE!

Soooooo it's been a while since the last time I blogged. A lot has happened since, but I've been very lazy and to be honest, I kind of compteley forgot about the whole blogging thing. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that the internet at my place is pretty crappy.

Anyhow, a qucik summary of what's making news: Moe is home...lots of fun. Dad and Moe are going to Manitoba...in 2 weeks. I dropped out of summer school. I'm staying in school for another year and not one semester as originally anticipated. We're all moving to Manitoba next year. I gained so much weight and finally I went camping for the first time in my life lol.

I will blog more about each and every event.

Till next time.

I'm falling.

I'm starting to slack off again. Not only that but I just don't feel like studying. I need a break. I need to do soemthing fun.

Start over

Start over.

I'm falling behind again...

After I've made a pretty good progress in terms of my studying habits/time-wasting behaviour, but here I am again. Back to slacking off and leaving things to the last minute! I hate the feeling of being out of control, like I cannot control my own body or rather brain. It controls me. It tells me to go home after only spending 1.5 hr in the library, it tells me to watch Grey's Anatomy instead of watching Dr. Inzlicht's lectures, it tells me to just highlight when I know for a fact that I DO NOT learn by highlighting, I have to take my own notes...Basically, my brain is secrewing me up!

Mom is back and thats part of why I don't feel like studying. There's just a lot going on right now. Pictures, gifts, stories, guests etc...wrong timing.

I'm supposed to meet up with someone tomorrow after having done all the readings so we can discuss them in greater details. I'm only done 1 chapter and there's 5 in total! There's NO WAY in hell that I'll be able to finish 4 chapters tonight hahahaa that's actually the joke of the day. It took me 2 days to finish one chapter. But the again I took breaks in between so I was on and off. I went for a nice walk along Bay street though. It was refreshing...didn't buy anything because I'm just not in the mood. I don't even want to get into how I've literally been in a constant flip flop between two hoodies. It's disgusting but I can't help it. Aghhhh I want this to be over.

My exam is on Moday, and I have work on Sat and Sun. so I'm pretty much secrewed up! The thoguht of it makes me have shortness of breath lol. It's not funny

Till next time.

Busy Beeeeee

Its been a while since the last time I made an effort to blog...but what can I do? I'm extremly busy these days...
I already had to exams, can't really tell how I did until I get my marks back but overall I thought both were very long....to a point where my hands were hurting :(

The house is a big mess of course and especially the kitchen! GOODNESS it's basically a dirt hole. I gotta get started on that sometime soon, before mom comes back on Tuesday.

Still haven't decided if I want to go to the airport to pick her up...I guess it all depends on whether I'll be 'in control' by then or not...There's a lot to do, and there's lunch to make, so it's hectic but I'm willing to get started on it as early as 5:00AM!

I have an exam on Monday and I'm really not confident with the material. I might be able to finish the readings etc but I don't know if I'll have enough time to review and go over concepts, and without doing that I cannot write the exam. It's just impossible. It's a waste of time and effort. Ugh I hate this thought, I've done it before and this is exactly what messed up my GPA

Anyhow, I'm off to studying
Till next time...

Baby is not a heart donor anymore

It's sad. I have been following up on Kaylee Wallace's case...I admire her parents a lot. I wonder if I'll ever be able to make such decision in the future. It certainly takes a lot of courage. But the whole thing got me thinking about a recent decision I made. I signed a consent form to donate my heart, kidneys, liver, lungs and bones when I die. People scared me a lot...ethical issues, religious issues etc...Perhaps one of the most common myths about organ donation is the whole thing about doctors rushing you into surgery as soon as they see that donor sticker on your health card or drivers license...Which to be honest, kind of scared me at the beginning. But what happened with Kaylee, 2 months old, proves that doctors will NOT declare you dead until your heart stops beating for 10 minutes. This is why Kaylee was put back on the life support machine when her heart did not stop beating. It makes me feel good about organ donation. I wonder if they will ever be able to transplant the heart. I hope so. Her father, Jason Wallace, is certainly a brave man and a man of values or morals. I wish I could help save a life with my organs when I die.

I have to hit the library now. I have a lot of things to catch up on!

Till next time

All thanks are due to God!

I woke up in the morning to hear the loud news on Al-Iraqiya TV. Seven cars had exploded today in the morning in 6 different neighborhoods, killing at least 36 people and injuring hundreds of others. Al-Qua'eda took responsibility of course and said that this is a "gift" for Iraqis to celebrate the birthday of Al-Ba'eth party. I'm not even gonna attempt to explain why or how. Cowards.

I freaked out of course. I knew that mom was staying in Baghdad for the week and that she had been working on her papers which meant that she had to be on the move, all the time. And knowing mom, I was sure that she preferred getting up early in the morning to get her stuff done. Conclusion, I FREAKED OUT. I tried not to show anyone that I was concerned. Probably because I was pissed off at everyone at home. Useless people. I was cooking last night for 2 hours! Exactly 2 hours. I ended up going to bed at 11:20PM. I woke up in the morning and everyone EVERYONE was waiting for me to make breakfast. Zahra was late, Shams missed her breakfast club and dad had a headache. Anyhow, dad couldn't pack them sandwiches for school and yeah they woke me up. Zahra is such a drama queen these days. I can't stand her and she told me more than once that she "hates me". Whether she means it or not is not something that concerns me, what concerns me the most is the fact that she has the guts to express such things right in front of dad. Things are definitely getting out of hand. Sham's school called yesterday to notify us that Shams wasn't in school. Meaning that she skipped. I don't know what to do about it. I'm concerned but I don't know what to do and obviously dad knows and doesn't do anything about it. It's such a critical time in her life and if we don't intervene now, she might just take us and skipping/school for granted.

Anyhow, so back to the cowards. I called mom and as soon as she said she was doing alright I burst into tears. I don't know if they were happy tears or I miss you tears or I'm frustrated tears or just come back tears. Whatever they were, she could tell that I was crying. She reassured me that everything is okay and that she will try not to get out of the house until things are settled. I just hope she sticks to her words.

I'm still worried and I've got a long day ahead of me.

It's snowing again and we have to shovel the driveway. Pathetic weather.

Till next time

I NEED to get my eyebrows done!

Yes! Badly. But I'm so tired, I have no time for anything these days. I wasn't even gonna blog tonight but I have a lot of scattered thoughts that need to be cleared out.
I got a rejection e-mail from University of Buffalo today. They said they only interview applicants with 3.2+, which is way beyond my current GPA. I want to go to Manitoba so badly but at the same time I don't know when I should do that or if it's a good idea at all. I need to do more research, I need to talk to counselors and I need to visit the school. I found out that mom has 1790 points on her air miles which could get me a plane ticket (and a Lacoste watch worth $200 haha). I don't know. I have to take summer classes if I want to graduate on time but if I want to go to Manitoba and start all over again, then what's the point of taking any courses? It's confusing and I'm leaning more toward continuing this degree that I have and then looking for other options. But the problem is that I'm afraid that I might lose interest in school after I graduate--something very common among graduates with low GPA's. I don't know what to do :(

My computer is so slow. I have a lot of shit on it. I probably need to formate it. And you know what else I need to do? cook for tomorrow! We have nothing to eat tomorrow. I have to make something because I want to leave in the morning.

I spoke to mom today, she sounded pretty depressed. She said nobody is helping her get her papers done etc. and people are so different and most of them have sunk into a world of materialism and greed. But as I always say:

"Such is Life"

Till next time

Just received my shoes!

I just got my shoes today! They're so amazing! I'll take a picture of them and upload it on here. But yeah I think I'm gonna buy other items from the girl, she seems pretty nice but first I have to figure out the whole appeal thing. I called mom today, she's a little sick...taking antibiotics etc...

I didn't cook anything for today! I was so tired yesterday...I didn't cook or anything but I had to clean the kitchen and wash loads and loads of dishes (dishes from 2 days ago). The kitchen was a MESS and the hallway was D-I-R-T-Y! It took me about an hour to finish cleaning everything. Zahra was sick, very sick. She has an ear infection and she lost her voice. She was sleeping when I came, had fever and dad didn't even bother checking up on her. She came back from school and went to sleep right away. She even took her pill without eating anything and what did dad do? NOTHING! She was sweating when she woke up, broke my heat! I can't believe how heartless he can be. I didn't have time to cook so I ordered pizza. Dad didn't mind it, he was hungry too and was waiting for me to order pizza and feed him, much like I fed Zahra. We have two babies at home. No mind you three, Shams is no good either. She has her literacy exam today so she was studying for it yesterday and did absolutely nothing. I'm so frustrated! We have no bread today and I'm not bringing anything on my way, I want dad to assume responsibility and actually for ONCE only ONCE check if we have bread or not. It's ridiculous! And what bothers me even more is that I can't talk to him about it. He could probably tell that I was pissed off that after coming back from a longass day at school (from 8am-6pm), I had to clean and cook (and discipline). I FEEL SO SORRY FOR MOM! If it was me, I would have committed suicide long time ago. Dad is just ugh useless! Ouch that sounded mean. Hes just been conditioned not care, or do anything. I want to break his laptop. I really want to. But he wants to buy a mac, so he'll just buy another one.

Such is life.


Till next time

eBay

Haven't blogged in a while. Been so busy with the house and school and work. Putting up with my sisters' BS is enough to trigger mania. I give mom so much credit for putting up with us...all of us, including dad who does absolutely nothing but sits in front of the computer and downloads torjans or whatever the hell they are 24/7. Heck, he doesn't even do the shopping anymore, I have to do it and I'm not bitching because I'm paying but I don't have my truck anymore! I yelled at him yesterday for not wanting to talk to Annah. I couldn't believe I was doing that. I was just so frustrated, tired and hungry, had just come back from school, the sink was full of dirty dishes from last night, I was cooking (because dad ate everything I had cooked for lunch in the morning), while begging Zahra to eat (She's a drama queen these days, acts like a baby and now that she's sick no one absolutely no one gets to tel her what to do--attention wannabe)...But yeah I was so busy and tired and on top of that thinking of my upcoming exams when the phone rang. Now not only do I have to put up with Shams and Zahra and dad's BS but I also have to listen to Annah and her messed up stories about dad's family. She called to invite us over for lunch but I obviously told her that we couldn't. I had work and school and the girls had to go to the mosque. She insisted and wanted to talk to dad. I handed the phone to him and he said to tell her that he wasn't home. I couldn't take it. He was sitting in front of the computer doing God knows what and wanted me to now argue with Annah! I yelled at him and said can you for once assume the role of a father? I swear it just came out naturally. I even put my hand on my mouth after I said it. Oh and by the way I said it in English. It was a big reality check for him. He grabbed the phone and spoke to her. He didn't yell at me or anything. It was awkward. He just kept quiet and things were normal afterwards. But yeah, I can't function like that. We need to co-operate! I didn't cook anything today. I didn't have time or energy. I had an early class. I can't afford to miss anymore classes. I feel like I'm ruining my GPA! I could listen to them online but it's so not easy! You can't just sit down for 6 hours straight just to watch 3 lectures when you've missed over 12 lectures (different classes)!


But back to the topic of this blog, Ebay is SO gay! They deactivated my account again. They said "they have reason to believe that my account is associated with another account that has a few overdue fees"
I created that old account when I wasn't serious about buying things/didn't trust the Internet. But I've done it once, paid my fees on time and I wanted to do it again. So I went ahead and bought a pair of Lacoste sneakers. They came up to $103 (I'm not one of those people who buy expensive things every time they hit the mall) I only buy things when I really need them and I'd rather them be of good quality (and I know that I really need a pair of runners because the ones I have on are ripped from the bottom). I now rest my case lol.
Problem is eBay deactivated my account again. I had already paid for the item and the person shipped my stuff already BUT the problem is if I had any concerns about the item, say it didn't fit or it had a spot on it or anything like that, it's not gonna be easy to communicate with the seller because my account is blocked! So I'm worried. I just hope that they'll fit. They're my size but my Lacoste boots are size 10 and they're a bit too big...I don't know if these ones are the same...they're sneakers, usually made a little bigger than they should be so that they're more comfortable etc. I don't know, I'm careless.

Till next time

Sushi breath!!!!

There's this Chinese guy sitting right beside me and he smells like sushi or whatever. Its BAD! God, I'm not racist, I swear but he smells horrible! and he yawns on top of that. like seriously, if my mouth smelled this bad, I would make every effort to not even talk so as to not open it. Some people! I feel like offering him a piece of gum!

Anyway, so mom didn't call today...Dad kinda told her off when she called yesterday at 3:00AM...I'm guessing that's why she didn't call today. I hope thats why. I tried to call her twice in the morning but she didn't pick up...so yeah.

cooking is good, so far. I made this Spanish dish yeterday...I thoguht it was good. We still have some leftovers so I don't think I have to cook when I go home today.

I have to catch up on my school work though. Im so behind. And now I really want to switch my seat! GOD CHINESE PEOPLE!!!!!

Mini-Nightmare

I came back from work yesterday and fell asleep...for 2 hours which obviously wasn't enough but thanks to Zahra and her friends, I woke up at 11:00pm. I was actually worried about what to cook for lunch too so it wasn't just Zahra. A whole bunch of things really. I went grocery shopping and bought Zahra's shoes...By the time I got home, I was dead! I could swear I had a full blown myotic reflex episode. I went to bed, but couldn't really sleep. My muscles were hurting a lot...Eventually though I fell asleep...at like 8:49pm or something. I had set up the alarm clock on my cell phone to 10pm because thats when I had to be ready for work. but yeah...I woke up at around 9:50 to this loud scream! It was so loud that I almost had a bursting-out feeling in my ears! And then I had a very very quick flashback of mom's face. I don't know what it is..Scary nightmare. I'm scared. Really scared. I'm afraid she's sick or something....I'm waiting for her to call. But I'm gonig to text her in 30 mins. ugh when is she coming back???????

till next time

Called mom again

She's doing alright I guess. She said the people are nice to her etc...She's leaving to Iraq either tonight (12:00AM Amman's time so around 6pm our time) or tomorrow morning. She's not going by airplane anymore. She said the people at airfrance gave her a VERY HARD TIME that she doesn't want to get on an airplane anymore! I wonder what these mofos did to her...but hey I should also keep in mind that the 'X10' gene runs in our family...

Anyhow. I pulled an all nighter yesterday. Our essay sucks. Our analysis is jokes. Ugh and we're running out of time. I hate this. But oh well.

Till next time

Just called mom

I just got off the phone with mom. She's doing alright...she said they waited for her at the airport and it was nice and smooth. I hope she's more relaxed now. Yeah. That's it.

Now I'm off to 'officially' work on my essay, I think I'll pass on lunch because I'm running out of time.

Till next time.

"Arried" Says Queen Alia's airport!

But AF hasn't announced it yet. I'm starting to feel like AF doesn't announce arrival until all passengers are off the plane. I just hope everything works out for her! I'm praying!!!! QAI flight schedule is so Third-World!! See above for schedule 'design'. Click on the image to enlarge.

Ok, breaking news! AF just announced it!!!! It arrived at 6:30PM! yaay

Alhumdiallah! Now I'm waiting for her call!!!!

Just as an aside and for future reference (if mom decides to take the plane from Amman to Baghdad), I found IA's webiste. It's pretty neat and it's very recent. Much better than QAI hahaha. Here it is: http://www.iq-airways.com/AirqAirways/

Till next time.

It's 11:40AM

I'm at school and it's 11:40AM and the airplane hasn't arrived yet! It was supposed to be there at 11:34AM our time! I don't know what happened! The flightview thing is not working because Queen Alia Airport doesn't support the service. Cowards. I'm gonna check to see if the flight has arrived on their website. Ohhh I get it! She's gonna arrive in an hour insha'Allah. Because it's 5:44PM Amman's time. So she'll be there at around 6:45 PM their time which is 12:45 our time. Makes sense. Ahhh freaked me out. I hope everything works out. Moe, if you're reading this (as I sent you a txtmsg directing you where to go for further updates on the trip etc, I understand that I sound pretty cocky but shove it, I'm trying to play a mother figure here....but I swear it's just happening...naturally. I freaking eat Breakfast at Timmies everyday, almost everyday. But for some reason when I bough my 12 Grain begel today, I felt guilty. Guilty because I thought about what Shams and Zahra are eating right now...Mind you there's all kinds of things at home but Zahra likes begels. It's so weird. This never happened to me. I don't know what it is but I'm worried. So worried! Call me.)
Back to what I was saying. I didn't get anything done last night of course and kept waking up throughout the night. I feel so sorry for mom. She got there at 1:2oAM Paris time, which means that she had to sleep somewhere. poor her! I bet you her legs are all swallon now.
I asked Saif to call me as soon as she gets there but I kinda regret it now. Mom and Dad asked me to send him my cell so he may update us etc. But he didn't even reply back to my message. Oh well, maybe he just didn't go online on facebook yet (I sent it through mom's facebook).

Oh AF changed the arrival time! It's 6:33PM now. GOD the Arabic saying goes like "I'm sitting on fire" That's exactly what I'm going through now. Sitting on fire! Oh and my back hurts from freakin' carying that big black bag! I hope it doesn't get ripped. I don't know what mom will do. I had a had time pulling it for less than 10 mins. Allah yesa3edha!

I hate airplanes! I hate airports and most of all, I hate ARABS!

More to come.

Landed, Alhumdiallah!!!!!

Oh my Goodness! I kept on refreshing the page over and over. One of the websites says that the flight's status is Landed and the other one says not yet. I don't know, I should hear from AF's website by 1:20AM. The flight view shows the plane positioned right on Paris. Gosh, now I can go to sleep. Her next flight takes off at 1:20PM Paris time...which is like 7AM our time. It should arrive in Amman at 6:45PM which is around 12ish our time. I'll update this blog with pictures/info of her next flight if God Wills.

AF's website is taking a long time to announce it! Ugh, I guess they're trying to be 'sphesticated'. arrrrrrrrgh. It's 6:22AM their time and they're supposed to announce it at 6:20AM. I'm getting worried now! Ya Allah why aren't they announcing it???? I'm so frustrated now. I don't think AF is going to announce it. But oh well. CDG said that its status is Landed.

I should go to sleep now.

Still waiting...

It's 12:46AM here and I'm still waiting. The website gets updated every 30 mins or so, so it's not bad. I can't fall asleep. I wanna make sure that she landed safely. Here's a picture of what the view looks like. They're actually pretty close. Ya Allaaaaaaah!

Pearson International Airport SUCKS!

WHAO What a day! Mom was almost gonna miss her flight tonight! My goodness we arrived 3 minutes before the airplane took off. We were stuck in traffic and it just never occured to us that it's March Break (i.e. high volume of passengers etc) It took us forever to find a parking spot. Anyhow, by the time we got there, they told my mom that the gates were closed that she had missed her flight. She begged them to double check and one of the airplane staff said that they might be able to accommodate for one more passenger if she can make it to the gate in 3 minutes. Poor her, she was terrified. We all panicked! She was gonna lose her money. Anyhow, so they charged her $100 for overweight which was BULL! It was obviously a late penalty. I hate them! They talked to my mother as if she didn't know a word in English. She simply panicked and didn't know what to say. She's a prefectionist like me and when things get out of control she freaks out. I couldn't take it though, I told one of the staff that "We appreciate the instructions however by telling us that we have 1 minute left when she's checking-in/taking out stuff from her luggage/paying for the extra weight, he was making things even worse." He shut his mouth then. Her flight was supposed to be at 5:55pm but the mofos wanted to leave earlier so they closed the gates at 5:40pm. That's a 20 min difference! And you know what, it makes a whole lot of a difference when you're panicking! God I hate them! I feel so sorry for mom. She was running and her face turned so pale. We didn't even get to properly say goodbye. I gave her a big hug but that was it. The guy kept on saying "Come on, they're closing the gates. You have 2 mintues left". Idiot. Zahra cried, she broke my heart. Ugh anyway! I just pray that she gets there safely.

I was tracking her flight a few moments ago on the Charles de Gaulle International Airport. It's pretty cool actually, it shows you a flight view that has the dep./arrival info as well as the airplane's speed and other informations that make abseloutely no sense to me. I'll attach a picture of the current view. I'm worried though. She's gonna arrive there at 5:46AM paris time which is almost 1:00AM our time. I don't know if she'll give us a call but I hope so. I'm really worried. I'm shaking as I'm typing.

I have to work on the essay too, but how can I when my mind is so occupied??? I wish I could call her and make sure that she's okay!

Ya Rab! Ya Allah. I pray for her safety.

Till next time.

Leaving tonight

I'm scared. I keep having bad feelings. Bad thoughts. I wanna keep this short, I'm not in the mood of blogging anyway. But yeah my mother is leaving tonight at 5:55pm. I hope she comes back safe, Amen.

My essay is gonna suck. I haven't even started yet and its due on Thursday. ughhhhhhhhhhhhh I wanna scream.

I love you mom

Samsung m530, baby!

I finally got my phone yesterday! and it is HOT! well I think it is lol my mom thinks its big, huge and ugly. it's white and it flips. I'll try to to upload a picture of it. But yeah I downloaded a new ringtone, elissa's ayami beek! I love that song.

I'm at work. I don't feel tired today at all, I had 2 hours of sleep before coming...I really want to go shopping tomorrow. I dont know if I can do it though. The mall closes at 5pm and by the time I get home, rest and eat its probably 3pm or something. I don't think its worth it. But I don't know when I can go! I still have to work on the psychology assignement, its due on Thursday and Zahra wants me to go shopping with her for trip. I'm gonna be super busy and plus mom is leaving on Tuesday...ugh! I'm seriously thinking of hiring a housekeeper!

Till next time...

Almost there but running out of time.

Two more chapters to go. ugh! I am getting sick of BM! I was going to blog today in the morning but I felt discouraged by the fact that I only got 2 chapters done yesterday. I honestly tried. But I was exhusted by the time I finished those two chapters and then I met up with someone for lunch etc...point is by the time it was 5pm I wasn't in the mood of doing doing anymore studying.

Still haven't decided what I want to do my project on. Lots of options but I still don't have a plan. I want to get those 2 chapters done before I start reviewing which will only happen when I go home as I need to read things outloud and think of examples that apply to the theories.

Sounds like a plan to me but I'm almost certain that I won't be able to follow it. I should be optimistic. Oh well. I can't wait to finish my exam so I can go shopping. I need to update my closet.

Shams lectures me about the way I dress up almost everyday lol. She's kinda right. I don't pay much attention to my appearance these days. I'm just behind in school and trying to catch up. I have abs. no time to 'beautify myself' as she puts it. Kinda sad but what do I do? and plus hoodies and jeans and sneakers are very practical. Not dressy but practical. I actually tend to get more done when I'm dressed up comfortably and for me thats when I wear practical, simple things. Sometimes even wearing a 'fancy scarf' can bother me. Can't believe how picky and sensitive I can be.

Anyhow, I better get back to chapter 11!

Till next time.

School

Just got here! I have to cover at least 4 chapters today, ughh! And I have to meet up with someone and discuss the essay and I'm tired. I don't know why, I slept well, had breakfast. I don't know. I just need to motivate myself somehow. I thought I would blog or plan how I'm going to approach those 4 chapters before I get started but I don't know how to divide up my time. There's 4 chapters and I don't even know when the girl wants us to meet up. So it's all up in the air today and I have a feeling that I won't get much done. But oh well, I'll try my best.

I have to get a hold of the movie mississippi burning as soon as possible so I can start analyzing it. I don't really like the fact that our analysis will be concerned with overt racism. It's really straightforward. I find modern racism more interesting. But that's just my opinion and I'm working with another girl and her opinion counts as well of course. So we'll see what we decide on today.

I will probably do some more research before I go back to studying for the exam. I need to be prepared.

Till next time

Big loss...

Couldn't get anything done yesterday. My uncle (mother's gaurdian) passed away on Sunday, 03/8/09. She was very hurt. I had just come back from work when I heard the news...It was sad. He died of bone marrow cancer or something like that, his body won't generate RBC. But oh well, he's in a better place now and that's for sure. But yea we were at Anna's house last night, stayed there until 11:30PM so by the time we got home I had no energy to do anything. I crashed into my bed and woke up in the morning to hear my mother cry and moarn. He raised her. I don't blame her. I wish I could be there for her but I have an exam on Thursday. I'm at school right now...I hope I can get something done today, if I don't then I'm majorly screwed up! I literally have to cram 4 chapters/day. Kinda impossible but that's the plan, the 'urealistic plan'. Oh well, I'm gonna get started in 10 mins, which means that I need to get off the computer right now lol.

Funny I shouldn't be laughing or listening to music (which I am right now, Im listening to Kelly's Beautiful Disaster. I love that song!)

Anyhow, I'll try to blog again tonight

Till next time

Motivation

I need to get up and go to school...I know it's saturday but I can't seem to get anything done at home. My laptop is such a distraction, my mind is so occupied and my bed is so seductive! But I have work tonight! I don't know I don't know. I'm soooo lazy today and for some reason I feel confused. I don't know why...Just very confused. Maybe I'll go for a walk...ugh I need fire in my butt to get me started. I'm not motivated at all! Where are you Vanessa??

I called Bell yesterday, had an argument with them about my LG phone. Its been giving me a hard time...the battery got chipped off and now it comes off very easily, it doesn't work anymore. They're going to ship a new phone to me, Samsung m530 I think. I seen pictures of it but I really don't know if I'm gonna like it, and I don't trust Bell Mobility. They renewed my contract for 2 more years. But oh well, it's all good.

I NEED MOTIVATION

"Die Jew, get the hell off campus"

In an article about hooliganism in Canadian universities, Gil Troy, a Zionists Jewish professor at McGill University, addresses the incident that took place recently at York University. According to the article and many other articles online, 20 Jewish students at York were held hostage in Hillel while pro-Gaza protesters shouted "Die b*tch, go back to Israel" and "Die Jew, get the hell off campus".

I personally wasn't there to witness what happened and none of the youtube videos that I watched show such racists remarks but nonetheless I am not surprised. I am not surprised because prejudice is powerful. While its nothing new and almost everyone nowadays is aware of the conflict between Jews and Arabs, this time the case is different and quite interesting for a Psychology student. This time the remakrs are very overt, direct, and describe what psychologists call "old-fashion racism". Fifty years ago, such negative remarks might have been somewhat tolerated but now, in 2009, these things shouldn't be said and if they are, something serious must be done about them. And by saying that I'm not supporting Zionism. I'm trying to stay as objective as possible. Just looking at the issue as an outsider.

Makes me wonder.

What is it that's motivating these young people? How's this hate fueled? Where's this energy coming from? Who's behind all of this 'brainwashing'? I don't know who the pro-Gaza protesters were but I'm assuming that they were Arabs, Palestinians or Muslims in general. Whoever they are, they must deeply despise Jews. Which makes me wonder...Why??? Why would anyone be willing to put their academic future in jeopardy just to piss off some Jewish students? It really makes me wonder.

Things like this incident make me think that religion promotes prejudice. I'm not trying to blame this on Islam, as any religon put in the hands of the wrong people can turn into a weapon or as the saying goes, "its the artist, not the paint". But I can't deny that religion somewhat forces its adherents to think in categorical terms. Which brings me to the question, how do these students categorize Jews? How do they expect Jews to categorize them? I'm pretty sure the minute you mention the word "Jewish" these students picture violence, blood, destruction, IDF and the likes...Whether it be imagine or real, these cognitive constructs are dangerous and they unfortunately lead to further strong negative feelings. And being the human beings we are, sometimes we lose 'control' and let it out, which is exactly what happened at York Univeristy. I'm 100% sure that these students are aware that such remarks can get them in serious trouble, and yet they went ahead and 'let it out', unconsciously. I gave up on thinking about how these cognitive constructs even came about. History is too complciated for me and you gotta look at both sides (which happen to have two completely different stories).

I'm just thankful that these things don't happen at U of T...or at lest not yet. We seem to enjoy a very multireligous atmosphere. Ah, it makes my brain hurts. It's sad, very sad.

It makes want to stop blogging. In fact thats what I'm going to do. I need some fresh air. I just wish that these students would direct their energy toward something useful...

till next time.

Been a while

It's been a while (2yrs) since I wrote my last (and first) blog. Many things have changed since then...I'm still in university though, 4th yr but not last. I'm probably gonna stay for one more year...still head off toward the unknown and it feels horrible. But at least I'm kinda over med school...I've come to realize that I don't have what it takes to be a doctor...I am a little more honest with myself these days...more realistic about my future goals and my potentials/shortcomings which is a good thing I guess...so long as it doesn't limit me from reaching my realistic goals. By realistic goals I'm refering to grad school. I still hate UTSC a lot. In fact, I'm starting to hate Toronto as a whole but that's something I'll blog about later on as there's more important stuff on my mind.

Mom is leaving in a week. I'm scared to death. Not becaues of responsibility really, although I do think that it's going to be difficult, but because of the situation over there. She's planning to stay there for at least a month if not two. Meaning that she will be gone while I have exams which is a bummer because I have to cook, clean, wake everyone up in the morning, put up with their BS and attitude AND study AND go to work. I don't know how I'm going to handle all of this...It's scary and the last thing I want to do is get Cs and Ds on my trascript!

I really shouldn't be on the computer right now. I have a midterm on Thursday so that's like in a week but I have 12 chapters to cover in 5 days (I don't count Sunday and Monday, these two days are my 'Sabbath'). I'm not even in the mood of blogging. I'm just blogging because I'm bored. I was reading the newspaper in the morning and came across an interesting article about the conflict in the middle east...But I really don't want to discuss it here because this one is supposed to be more, well, personal I guess.
Anyhow, I'll end this blog with a nice quote I came across while I was surfing the net today, it goes like this: "Deprived of meaningful work, men and women lose their reason for existence; they go stark, raving mad"---Fyodor Dostoevsky

Till next time.