Need I say more?

I love you dad

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Hello med school,
I can't tell you how much I'm excited,anxious,and happy about going. It's going to be an uphill battle.
I look forward to murdering you :)

I'm going!!!!

Medical school here I come!

So I find out today

I tried another bank. This is my last option. I hear from them today. If this works out my whole life will change--forever.
God I hate waiting! NOT FUN!
I will update this blog if anything comes up.

Cerebral approach...

Many things have happened since the last time I blogged. Tomorrow will either make me or break me. I find out if I my loan got approved. For some reasons I'm not worried. It feels like deep inside I don't want it to happen. Sounds crazy as I re-read what I just typed...but its true. I've been wanting this for my entire life. But somehow I feel hesitant. I find out tomorrow. I don't want to write more about it. Somethings we don't talk about, better do without and just hold a smile (the fray btw)
I have no idea what I'll do if medical school doesn't work out this time round. But it'll mean one thing for sure and that is I have officially exhausted all options...which does put my mind at ease a bit. Problem is I don't know what to do if it doesn't work out. I was talking to my mother the other day and I told her about how I'm interested in religion and how I'm thinking about perusing a masters degree in religions if med. school doesn't work out and I get this serious "how-dare-you" face. She's right. Five fudging years of neuroscience and then I switch to religion...But that's the only thing I'm actually interested in. But what do holders of religion MA do for a living?
Ughhh ya Allah! I don't want to think about it. I'm so lost. So stressed. One thing I learned about myself when I'm stressed is that I tend to want to cook. And that's what I've been doing recently.

This is a chinese wok. It looks dirty but its not. I got it at a garage sale. It's very handy! And I think I mentioned this before but I'm a HUGE fan of Asian food. This is my attempt at making fried noodles with vegetables and tofu <3 onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy9S2ot_1Hutw7KwQQqdACr-rLWJE3mBPn2zv8_gYBqP10dCHvNYhEdJTRSCNptA1jvxVXgZJUYd1uEEALBGmdgTx_pjKwC_F8RafsbwKMjQY0ewyTdz3527lUBspNlD60tPL1HF7qMGI/s1600/IMG_1664.JPG">1) Boil your spaghetti noodles and then drain them.
2) Get your vegetables ready: I have green peas, onions, mushrooms, carrots and tofu.

3) This is how an Asian wok looks like, add the vegetables first with a little bit of olive oil.
4) Add the noodles and some soy sauce (1 table spoon)

5) GOODNESS! this would have actually tasted a lot better if I had added an egg to the mixture but we were all out of eggs lol.

NEXT: I made sambusa and I just keep forgetting the recipe for the dough. It's actually a pretty easy one:
3/4 cup of milk
1/4 cup of oil
Boil them and add to
2 cups of flour
1/4 turmeric powder
1/4 salt
Stuff it with whatever you like

This is how the dough looks like. It's very easy to work with
And that's the end result. It sort of looked like fried chicken because I used whole wheat flour. I stuffed it with potatoes and parsley.

NEXT: Pizza! Well, this is a combined effort so I can't take all the credit. Pizza is very easy to make.
And that sums up the past few days.

Till next time,

4 way stop

They say a picture is worth a thousand words and I say I couldn't agree more. This picture captures my life in a nutshell. It's a 4 way street and no one knows whose turn it is. Its like we all paused for a minute and when we came back alive, we couldn't remember who stopped first.

I thought about this today...I was in the car with my mother...we were supposed to pick up something from a french neighborhood nearby, got lost and had to head back home. So it was a total fail and my mom was pissed off and didn't talk the whole way. It wasn't my fault...the GPS was just messed up! anyway, so I guess I had a lot of time to think about my life on our way back...Didn't come up with any new thoughts. Still trying to figure out what to do next. I can't just sit at home and do nothing...I feel like I'm slowly forgetting what I learned in Neuroscience. Yesterday, I came across an article about Codeine...how it might soon be banned in Canada as it may cause intoxication for those with fast metabolism...anyway, the article was very light, it was one of those articles MSN pops up when you sign out. The topic of drugs and metabolism has always been of great interest to me so I decided to look it up on U of T's library website, to find the journal article that published the study. Anyway, obviously the journal article wasn't as light as the news article lol...they got into the biochemistry, microbiology of metabolism and the chemistry of the drug and that's when I lost it. It's sad because I actually studied this stuff last year and I did really well in my drugs and the brain courses...I was so frustrated.

I have a job interview tomorrow...its with Statistics Canada. I'm kinda scared...It's not a very fancy job but they told to bring a calculator to the interview as there will be a test. They also gave me a website to prepare for the test. Kinda skimped through the sample questions and they weren't that easy. or maybe I'm slowly loosing my math/statistics knowledge (okay now I'm actually laughing at myself. I said "knowledge"....as if such thing existed in the first place!). I was never good at math. Anyway, enough negativity for the day...It is BEAUTIFUL outside! I'm actually typing this while enjoying the gorgeous sunshine outside! It's simply heavenly. But I heard it might start snowing next week...which is a bummer! BIG TIME! Why? Well, winter=snow=storms=slow season=no biking=staying at home a lot! You can tell that I'm not looking forward to it.

On a more somewhat "positive" note, I'm starting to take religion studies more seriously.

I just want to be happy again.

Till next time,

Nobody said it was easy...

As I write this blog I can her my mother yelling through the phone....not only because she's talking to someone in Iraq (that's pretty normal), but because she was talking to the people who have taken over our house in Iraq...our brand new house. I've never lived there but my mother talks about the furniture, the curtains, the front yard all the time...My parents built the house before we left, we never got to live in it. But after what happened in Iraq (sectarianism, civil war etc) some people just decided to invade other people's properties...simply because the property happens to be in a Sunni neighborhood or a Shia neighborhood and therefore, by default, the property should be owned by Sunnis or Shias.

Very sad but that's our reality. My mother cannot get over it. I don't blame her.

On a different note, I've been doing absolutely nothing these days. Not even helping around the house...just sleeping. I think I'm depressed. It just feels like I'm never gonna get used to this place. I feel like a stranger here...Like a foreigner. It's like a whole new culture that I have to adapt to. I miss my friends, I miss my people :( People here are friendly but they don't wanna get too close...we scare them I think. I know that being the new kid on the block is not easy and it requires effort on my part, but the environment is just not welcoming. People here think that we're all here for a short period of time...they're accommodating, but not accepting. And if I'm ever gonna be able to make friends and be part of this society, I need to feel accepted first. They seem to think that all "colored people" are here to study...that we're all international students or something. Here for school or training purposes and that at one point or another, we will leave this country so they don't feel the NEED to involve us or be overly welcoming....which is really not what I'm asking for. I just want friends. I had a rough summer and I want someone to debrief with. I haven't digested everything yet and it's not just moving or not being able to go to med school. It's other things too. It's all inside and it needs to come out...

I think it has a lot to do with my loss of independence. I had a job in Toronto, I was in school...I knew my way around and didn't have to hold a freakin' map. I knew exactly what used to be in front of the long building across the street, near the giant tiger and was very excited about the new Tim Hortons being built there...I knew my neighborhood.

I'll get through it. Nobody said it was easy

I'm going to ignore it.

I chose to ignore it. It's hard but I can't help it. Not because I don't have the guts to confront them, but because them too much to want to see them get embarassed in front of their child. I hope my mother will understand. I have nothing else to say about this :(

Pisces

It's been about 4 months since I've blogged. So many things have happened...and I've had my reasons for not blogging and to be fair, I've even decided not to blog again...until today. I was feeling so down and frustrated with life (I'll get to this in a sec.), but I came across my horoscope on MSN (I don't necessarily believe in Horoscopes but this one caught my attention). It read:
EDIT: the reading changed appearenly and I can't seem to find it anymore! But it said that I should write down what's bothering...and that's when I remembered my blog.
ASIDE: it's kind of weird how the new horoscope reading for Pisces says:

"It's a long road, this life, and it's full of big questions. But go ahead and try to work out solutions to the immediate problems. Taking a practical approach might be just the ticket. Clean your room, organize your office, make sure your bills are in order and then go out at night. Time with friends can be a needed relief from all those solitary 'where does this road go anyhow' questions"

^ This is exactly what I feel/need right now. I couldn't have said it any better. I find it weird or maybe its just a coincidence! But yeah. I'll have more to blog about this in the next few days since I don't anticipate the sight of sunshine anytime soon.

So I moved to Winnipeg. Big change. I think I might have actually liked this city had I moved here a little earlier....Like 10 years ago for example. But moving at 23, I feel like it's a little too late to adjust to a new environment AND actually call it "home". It certainly doesn't happen overnight and it will take a lot of effort on my part...but it was just uncalled for. But thats not something I want to discuss here.
So we took the train from Toronto to Winnipeg and man were we exhuasuted! That week, the whole week but especially the two days before Canada day, were the worst days of my life!!! But we've survived them and we've learned a lot from the experience, I think. So we arrived in Winnipeg on July, 3rd. I believe it was a Saturday. My mother and sister were already there...the first few weeks were just awkward. It was hard to adjust to the new place, the atmosphere...having to live with dad and my brother again, not being in charge anymore. It just felt awkward. And on top of that, I met many so-called "family friends" that I was expected to associate with and regard as friends (BS, not in a million years!). Man, I can write a book about the community here! But that's for another post.

So anyway, this is Winnipeg:
Flat lands, farms and mosquitoes. No I'm joking, there's more to Winnipeg. Nothing like Tdot of course...But it's not as bad as I intially thought it would be. People here are very friendly but I haven't done actual "city discovering" yet. I don't feel like it. I'm not over the fact that I moved. That I'm not in school anymore. That I'm 23. That med school didn't work out. That my application package got lost in the mail. That our mortgage was the reason why my line of credit got rejected. That I can't find a job. That I don't friends. That I hate this place.
The list can go on and on....but its only natural. I want to give myself sometime. I need to give myself sometime.

Eid was good. Quiet. But alright. We went to the prayer...and then to the Eid carnival... There's a small mosque not too far from where I live. And I got to meet a couple of really nice girls that I hope I can make friends with (I can't believe I'm actually saying that...it's like kindergarten all over again!).


And finally, in the midst of all of this messiness, I had a great cup of pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks today! It truly warmed my heart. It was my first time leaving the house in 3 days. I actually sat on my ass for 3 days and did abseloutely nothing. Life is so boring these days.
I wonder if its only me or if this actually happens to everyone after they graduate and they're done school. I feel so unproductive. I need a change in my life. I need to spice things up before its too late :(
Till next time,

Freedom

I went grocery shopping today and on the bus I saw this gorgeous little girl with her mom, she kept looking at me and smiling and that sure made my day. Made me think about kids, about having a kid (just for fun lol), I don't know. It felt weird, felt like I shouldn't even be on that bus, shopping at 12:00pm when I should be attending my physio lecture or something. It feels weird not to have to worry about tomorrow's neuroscience midterm or drugs and the brain's paper. It's a totally new feeling! I've had breaks before when I traveled and stuff but its never been like "OK I have no readings, papers/ a new semester to worry about". It's a good feeling for sure but it feels awkward. I don't wanna get used to it.

On a more positive note, I've been sort of having fun lately...having a life, catching up with old friends, people from work, my brother...helping around the house. I went bowling with my friends from work last night. It was fun. But I now know that I SUCK at bowling lol it was fun nonetheless, I'd do it again.

I hung out with my brother a couple of days ago at fairview. We caught up...and we are planning a montreal/new york trip pretty soon. I'm excited about that! Other than that, there's not much going on....well I guess I'm coming down with the flu and won't be able to do much for a while :( which totally sucks because I have about a month left in Toronto and I want to use everyday of it! I'm excited about our TODO weekend!!! It's gonna be a lot of fun, I just hope it doesn't rain!
Oh and for the first time in my life, I actually tried NY fries. They were SOOO good. I've always been against eating fries at fast foods restaurants (mainly because my best friend used to work at McDonald's back in highschool and told me all kinds of horror stories about the oil that they fry with), but those fries were so darn good. I think I'm gonna give fries a second chance!

Till next time dear diary

Caught between a rock and a hard place.

These days, I've been noticing that I'm so much like my mom in personality. It's incredible. I never thought I'd be saying this but after being so passive/"emotionally detached" for the past few days, I realized that we have so much in common. We are both confused and we both want it all. No wonder I turned out to be a perfectionist. Now I know where I get it from (although I think my case is a lot more extreme than mom's). And yet at times we seem so different. I guess the age, generation, mindset etc factor in but yeah it got me thinking.

Med school might not work out. I know. I still can't believe it and its gonna take me a long time to digest this. I'm trying to be hopeful, trying to have faith, to have trust in Him. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out for a reason. I talked to 3 bank reps so far and all three said that securing a line of credit is close to impossible if my parents are applying for a line of mortgage at the same time, unless their income is $100K+ which is obviously not the case. So now my parents want to co-sign my loan application and do the mortgage later, even though this might jeprodize their likliness of getting their mortgage application approved! How am I supposed to feel about this? It blows. The house comes first of course, but if we get the mortgage then we might not get the line of credit. It stinks. and what blows even more is the fact that we won't "know" until we get one of them approved. My parents said that my future is more important but I know that deep inside they are heart broken. and that's completely understandable. I just don't know what to do, I'm so confused. So yesterday my father called me and said that he has around $30K that he was going to invest but now he's willing to pay my first 16 months tuition and then apply for a loan after the 16 months. I don't know how I feel about that. Sure its nice not having to pay interest or anything but its a lot of money and he can do a lot with it. My mom on the hand is against the whole thing. She thinks that its not worth it. It's a long way, full of obsticles, stress and grey hairs as she put it. And she couldn't be more right but Its been done before and even though I know deep inside that this is what I've always wanted and dreamed of, it still gets to me when she says stuff like that. Like by the time I actually graduate and start practising, I'll be around 28-30 (depending on how smooth things go), by then its too late to get married. It might just not happen. And shes right, knowing people from my culture, corssing that 25-26 age line places you in a pretty awk situation. Espeically for a girl. It's tough.

And then there's my worries about my mother's health. Shes been complaining about numbness in her left hand and her left fingers. It scares the sh*t out of me. Last wednesday, I literally forced her to go to our family doctor and I went with her. The doctor seemed pretty concerned. She ordered a whole bunch of tests etc, and she also diagnosed her with a disease she called Raynaud's phenomenon which is pretty scary but according to the doc, its not very alarming. she hasn't done her tests yet and that's probably gonna take another month or so of arguing and begging on my part, but I'm on it. I get that she's scared. I get that she knows that something is up. But if we don't treat it, if she doesn't start listening to her body, I'm afraid its gonna lead to serious consequences. I draw a lot of myself confidence from my mom. She's my inspiration, the flame that lights my life. I can't imagine life without her, not even for a second. Sometimes I feel that that might be one of the reasons why she doesn't want me to do med. school in the Caribbeans, far away from her. She keeps tellign me that life is short and to enjoy the things I have now. I don't know....

I just dont' knwo what i would do if I don't go to med school in the Caribbeans. Grad. school is not an option for me. I don't have anything I'm passionate enought about to be doing for the rest of my life or to be studying in a lab. I don't know what I would do. and to make things even worst, I don't knwo what I would do in WINNIPEG, a small, old-fashioned town. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh it feels like my head is going to explode :( and what sucks even mroe is that I can't talk to my mom about it anymore and she won't stop talking about getting married and having a family every time I bring up med school. I don't know.

I'm so confused and the more I think about it the more I hate being an adult. I want med school, I want my parents and I want to have a normal life, get married and have a family. Can't have it all. And don't know how to prioritize things either. I don't want to make decisions. I don't want the responsibility :(
Ugh! I don't know who to turn to :(

till next time.

Nothing interesting

So I'm not gonna start this blog by saying "its been a while and a lot has happened since the last time I blogged" because while its true that its been a while, not much has happened and my life has been in this static mode since the last time I blogged. Its been pretty quiet. Nothing interesting. Well other than the fact that mom left to Winnipeg on Monday and isn't coming back till Saturday. I'm sort of used to the responsibility now. Its not the first time.

My tooth is killing me and I really shouldn't be sitting outside enjoying the beautiful weather, listening to music, and blogging. I have tons of readings :( I don't know when I'm ever gonna get around to it. I have work until Monday...which means that I probably won't do much until then. Horrible. All I can think about is April, 29th! I don't wanna go back in because if I do, I'm just gonna end up sleeping :( This is so depressing. I wish I could study at work. Its like 8 hours of nothingness. Nothingness. I hate it but I can't do much...And I'm sure I would feel guilty if I did; I'm not being paid to do my homework. I wanted to put up a picture of something special I just recently got in the mail. I just won't do it today because I'm not in the mood. I have a lot on my mind.

I need to stop watching Ugly Betty. I need to stop eating. I need to stop thinking about Winnipeg and finally I need to start studying. STUDYING! (and baking, it helps).

Till next time,

Sold

Or maybe not. All depends on what the inspector says today. But yeah, our house is sold. My god I can't believe I'm actually saying this. Our house is sold :( I really hated it when we first moved. I specially hated the neighborhood. but now that we're leaving, I don't know...8 years. Ah, I'm gonna miss this place. I've had the saddest/happiest/weirdest/ and the list goes on and on, moments of my life in this house. Can't believe we're moving. I don't want to yet think about Toronto. I wanna take it one step at a time. I've taken a few pics of my house...just for memory. I will upload more pics of my bedroom. Oh my dear bedroom :(

So this is our living room. Not the whole thing of course. The most memorable thing that happened here was probably when dad, M and I took pictures lol. and probably other things but I'll never forget that day. I still have the pictures, we all looked so sleepy in them lol. Ugh those day...I think I was in second year university. Been a while. Oh I also remember our family gatherings...when Anna comes over with uncle's family. Lots of fun.

Next is our dinning room, where we eat, but we never actually ate here lol. Only when we had visitors. Man those chairs are sooo painful! Aww I'm gonna miss this place. Hahaha I just remembered something really funny that happened here! when those converts came to do their presentation and the guy starts off by saying "alahuma sadi" I laughed my head off! How immature of me! I was a kid back then. I'm so mean. But it was so funny. mama gave me the dirtiest look ever and right then I knew I was in so much trouble so I ran upstairs and "finished" my laugh....of course M joined me and we literally started ROFL'ing! Good days, good days.

Mom's favorite place! The kitchen! lots and lots of memories...oh where do I begin. This is basically the family's cheese-spot hahah. I remember a lot of sad things that happened here...mostly arguing with mom about going to Med. school and not wanting to get married etc...I also remember us having dinner/lunch together on Sundays. Lots of memories. I love this place.

Anyhow, the weather is BEAUTIFUL outside but I can't enjoy it because I'm working on a paper for C61 :( I didn't bring my laptop today which means that I'm gonna be stuck in the computer lab until I'm done this stupid thing!

Till next time

Can't make up my mind

I've had two weeks to work on this stupid presentation and I still can't seem to find a topic I like. Well, way to go stupid! presentation is tomorrow at 1:00pm and the article I picked out is so long and boring and I'm thinking of changing it! Ugh, I hate making decisions lol (in other words, I hate life).

I don't even feel like typing anymore :( I'm gonna go now.

Till next time

Simple and practical shopping

So I have sort of started doing my shopping...Mom bought me a bunch of V-neck tees from oldnavy, very practical and simple and they come in pretty much all colours (wearable colours haha is that even a word?) I still have to buy more tees though...its gonna be very hot down there and I'm probably not gonna have enough time for washing/taking care of my clothes lol.



Today, I bought this really cute pair of of slip-ons from Little Burgundy. They're green and match perfectly with my Roots hoodie :) which I probably won't be able to wear there anyway since the weather is so hot.





I have to buy my luggage and bags too...still hunting for good quality/prices.



Till next time,

I wish I was a kid again...

I really do. I hate living life in the fast lane...I can't believe I already reserved my seat. and now there are a million things I have to do before leaving Toronto. I can't believe I'm gonna live on my own for the next 8-10 years of my life. I can't believe I'm leaving my parents, Toronto, my house, my friends and most of all, I can't believe that I'm an adult.....and that its time to act like one.

The thought itself is so scary---especially for someone who is SO dependent on their parents like myself. I'm scared. Very scared.

Yesterday, I had a little talk with my mom about "my future career as a doctor". and mom tried to calculate how old I will be by the time I get my MD and finish my residency...according to her math, I'll be about 30 (that's if everything worked as planned, but unfortunately life as I know it, doesn't always behave...so I'm gonna say about 32). My mom is obviously concerned about whether Ill want/be able to start a family at 32. She thinks its a bit too late. I have to say I somewhat understand where she's coming from. Most of my friends are already thinking about marriage (and they're only 23), some have even taken more "serious" steps and gotten engaged. People are moving on, I guess. I just know that I'm not ready for marriage or even relationships. My mom said that going to medicine (and especially taking the route I'm taking) means dedicating my life to studying/learning and working. I just hope its worth the effort. I realize that chasing my dream of becoming a doctor = to making BIG scarifies....I just hope and pray to God that by the time August rolls around, I hope that I will be 100% positive and confident about my decision. I don't want to be scared....It's just not healthy.

On a more positive note, mom sort of excited about her daughter becoming a doctor :) She even said she would buy my scrubs from Sears....and my lab coat. I thought that was pretty sweet (in fact I'm smiling as I'm typing this). I love my mom. I just want her to believe in me. I know that she knows that I'm scared...and I know that she is too and so is my father but I just wish they could be a bit stronger....I draw my self-confidence/esteem from my parents and it would just help a lot to know that they're proud of me and supportive of my decision. I want to be able to call them and cry, without having to hear "you're on your own".

I'm just so scared.

I have a long day ahead of me and tomorrow is my presentation day. I'm very nervous! I ended up choosing the article on Caffeine and BDNF/TrKinase. I still don't understand all the little details but I get the big picture.
oh and as usual, I'm running out of time.

Miracles!! I need them!

Till next time
P.S. I might take a few pictures today and upload them later on, the weather is AMAZING!

Accepted!

OMG SO I got accepted to MED SCHOOL!
I guess its big. I'm happy but scared.
I want to keep this short and sweet (I just got off work and I'm exhausted)
I need to do more research!
Miracles? Hell yes. Miracles.

Waiting...and officially worried.

So I'm still waiting...I was told that I should hear back from them on Thursday, 11:00AM Central. But that didn't happen....My mom thinks its a sign of rejection. I don't know, she could be right. After all, I was very nervous and didn't have a strong answer to their "recent health concerns in the US" question. I gave them a call around 3:00pm Eastern and the lady said that the admission officer was not in the office. The interviewer told me that I should hear back from them regardless of whether I got accepted or not. It's very unprofessional to promise someone that the admission officer would give them a call and then bail on them, especially when it comes to somethign so nerve racking like the decision of getting accepted to med school. It says quite a lot about SJSM.

On a more positive note, I do see a lot of "prospective/accepted" students on their ValueMD forum...which means that I'm not the lone ranger. The classified section is also more active...which means that more and more students are getting accepted and hence looking for means of accommodation. It makes me happy.

Okay so its 12:38 which means its 11:38 central and I still haven't heard back from them. I'm official worried.

Wednesday Morning

Couldn't think of another title. So I'm sitting in the computer lab eating my breakfast while browsing ValueMD (a forum for IMGs). The forum is actually beneficial in many ways...but at the same time, there's a lot of garbage there and it can be misleading sometimes. Anyhow, I feel so dirty. I wanna go home so badly. The construction guys said that they should be done by 4pm today, lets hope they meant it. I'm just so sick of staying at other people's places and feeling like a free-loader (even though I'm not, I never ate from their food or anything). Today after I left, I thanked mom's friend for letting us stay over but I really didn't mean it. she was rude and very inconsiderate. My little sister came back from school and was hungry but she didn't even bother offering her anything whereas when she left to Iraq, her daughter stayed over at our place for a WEEK and we fed her 3 meals/day. I know it sounds stupid to say that and I really never think about things this way, I just do "good deeds" without consciously thinking about them but you know you'd expect the person to show some appreciation. I just can't believe how selfish some people can be. I just pray to God that we don't ever need someone's help.

Alright I should go back to studying.

Till next time

The interview!!!

So I just had my MED school interview about an hour ago! Man was I nervous. I don't know. I'm really scared. some of questions I was asked were:

1) What kind of qualities do you think a physician should have?
2) Talk about a time where you had to rise above the odds.
3) Talk about recent health issues in the USA.
4) Have you applied to any other Med schools? If so, were you rejected? Why?
5) What can you bring to Saint James?
6) Have you applied to any other Caribbean Med schools?
7) What would be your worst quality?
8) Suggest two ways to help teenagers quit smoking.
9) Tell me a incident that required you to go "above and beyond"
10) How will you finance your education?

I'm scared. I was nervous. Hope the above questions help perspective med students in the future.

Till next time,

"So why do you want to be a doctor?"

I can't believe what happened a few minutes ago. Unbelievable. I was hungry so I went to Subway to grab something to eat, got the sandwich, paid, and left then I went to the campus express to get a drink, then went to the library to return a couple of books I borrowed for a paper, then to my locker and then I finally went to the S-Wing to find a spot that has a plug near by. Boring huh? Yeah, gets more interesting. So I sit down, take off my coat etc...look for my phone (SJSM is supposed to call me in 2 hours so I thought I would put it in front of me where I can easily reach and answer it). I look and look and look and the phone is nowhere to be found. I looked inside my pockets, inside my purse, my pencil case, everywhere!

I lost my cellphone. I mean, can I get luckier?? Somebody? please? and yet people tell me that I need to be "a bit more optimistic" I mean really? Do you see what I have to go through? Ugh!

Anyway, I eventually found it after an hour of breathless searching, crying and asking everyone around if they had seen a white Samsung Link phone. It was just ridiculous. Turned out that I left it at Subway! Man was I thankful! I mean this stuff only happens in movies....you know the cursed people...yeah that's me--in real life.

So back to the question: Why Do you Want to Be a Doctor?

I was thinking of just saying well "I like to help others" but that sounds pretty cheesy. I want to make my answer very personal/unique. I want to talk about my father's asthma and his health etc. but I'm not sure I want to make this phone interview that dramatic. I just want to be light and genuine. So here's what I've come up with:

I used to think that my desire to become a doctor was solely because I liked to help others, to stop pain and to make a difference in other people's lives. But after my extensive volunteer experience in the health field, I realize that there's more to it. Yes I do want to help others, because I can accomplish that just by being a nurse or paramedic. From my own personal experience of being around nurses, from my own personal experience of observing what goes into the job of being a nurse, I feel like I'm capable of doing more. I'm an intelligent person and I am capable of working in stressful environmental.

I'm gonna mention something about my father etc... Also a sit
OK i'm not even gonna attempt finishing this sentence. I'm scared. I have to go practice somewhere where I can talk--to myself.

Home sweet home :(

Okay so I'm totally freaking out! we've been at my mom's friend's house for more than 4 days now and the house is still not done. Mom called the construction guy today and he told her that it will take another day. Problem is the people we're staying with are starting to show "signs of frustration" I guess you really get to know the person when you live with them...its only been 4 days I know. but mom's friend doesn't seem happy with the situation so far. I mean we're only sleeping there, not eating or running around. But theres 4 of us so I guess I see where she's coming from. plus we're occupying one of their rooms and as a result, she has to sleep on the floor. I don't know. This whole thing is not right. I feel like a free-loader :( and so does mom. I've never wanted to go "home" so bad. Ugh having a place to sleep is such a blessing that you don't appreciate until you lose it.

Anyhow, on a different note, I have my SJSM interview today. I'm very nervous and scared. I still haven't prepared an answer to the popular "why do you want to be a doctor?" question. But I can't see myself brainstorming any ideas now because I'm hungry. I need to grab something to eat and then I have to think, think and think. I'll probably use this blog as my rough copy.

Ugh I really don't like how my life is looking at the moment but I just can't change it. God I so hate being out of control :( its the worst feeling in the world.

I need miracleS

Till next time (hopefully in 30mins)

A place to crash...

So we today we had to leave the house at like 8:30am because the construction guys were supposed to start at 9:00am (them being Iraqi didn't make that happen at 9:00 as promised, instead, they were there at 11:00am, but hey, that's part of being Iraqi). Anyhow, so we left the house and mom's friend was supposed to come to our place and pick up our bags etc...It feels so weird. I wish I could just stay in school tonight. Problem is, I don't have a place to crash. I have a LOT of readings/Lecture viewing to do and I need to stay here until at least 11:00pm. buses stop running at 10:30 (at least one of them) which leaves me no option but to take the STC way :( Ugh I just hate being in school on the weekend. But yeah. I wish I could just sleep at the women's center. People used to do it last year...I just don't happen to have a lot of "connections"!

Anyway, I gotta get back to studying now.

Till next time

Birthday girl or not?

Not. Can't celebrate. I have a midterm on Monday. and even if I didn't have a midterm, I have a lot on my mind that any celebration would just be artificial.

The house is a wreck! We are going to spend the weekend at my mom's friend's place sicne we are revenovating the house. I can't find my stuff anywhere. It's so stressing me out :(

Anyhow, I have 2 more chapts to go, the longest chapters though :(

EDIT: So I did end up going on with a friend to a restaurant for coffee and "cake" well brownie buster lol. It was refreshing.

And now that I look at the picture, it was quite conservative actually lol.

Till next time

Bad day

I'm having a bad day. A very bad day. It's almost 5:00pm and I still don't have anything done. Its like one of those days, you start off on the wrong foot and the whole day is pretty much useless.

I was supposed to take my graduation picture today but it didn't happen. I was supposed to get my eyebrows done before taking the pic but I had a lot of readings to do last night and ended up staying in the library unitl 8pm. so I thought I would just wake up in the morning and do it. morning comes and I start preparing for the big picture day. problem is we're moving and my room is like a jungle, everything is upside down. I couldn't find my makeup kit. my mom "cleaned" my room and misplaced it somewhere...now not only was I going to take my grad pic with a pair of bushy eyebrows but also with a face full of pimples and black spots under my eyes! How perfect! I mean people actually go to salons, get their makeup done professionally before grad pic day. Anyhow, so as usual mom and I got into an argument. It really wasn't her fault. It was mine, I should have been more prepared. My mind is just so occupied with everything :( I hate the way I've being acting lately. I'm so cold and rude.
I'm so pessimistic and it needs to stop. Mom got really mad. I knew that the rest of the day was going to be very unproductive and so it was

I got a call from SJSM today. They said they want to set up a phone interview with me....so we'll see. I don't think I want to go to SJSM anymore. I'm just so confused. Today the thought of just not being born, not being "in the world" crossed my mind. I was scared.

Ugh

Till next time.

Motivation

So chapter 16 is all about motivation! and I'm happy that I thoroughly enjoy the material in the textbook. I think its amazing how the human brain works! Specifically our ability to think. I know it hasn't been mapped out yet but its just something! Anyhow, so I still have 2 more chapters to cover as well as 5 articles and 5 lectures! Still a long road ahead...but I'm working on it.

Today I submitted my applications to MUA, just to expand my options/choices. I did a pretty silly thing on their website though :( I submitted the wrong resume that said in its objective: "To seek admission to Saint James School of Medicine". I literally felt like a piece of crap afterward. Like seriously? I don't know what the Admission committee must be thinking now!
I also e-mailed SJSM with my resume/personal statement and hopefully I can fax them the last LOR tomorrow. I don't know where this road is taking me but I want to travel until I get lost...

I don't know why but I keep telling myself that if I fail for whatever reason (not having a strong background in chemistry, being homesick, not being able to keep up with med school's exhausting work, being a victim of some sort of horrific crime-God forbid- or just simply giving up), I keep telling myself that I can always go back to Canada and and become a paramedic. I want to get rid of this though, I don't to plan to fail. but maybe all I'm doing is preparing for the worst? Having a plan B? I don't know...but hey, as Murphy said "If something can go wrong, it will"
So maybe its not such a bad idea.
I'm just really scared. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing...Its weird because usually I have "instincts" or gut feelings about things but not this....it just feels so neutral? so empty? By this, I'm referring to SJSM specifically. For some odd reason, I feel like going to MUA is more logical (given that I don't have a strong background in Chemistry) but then again, time is an issue.

What else? Oh yeah, so I was at Tim Hortons today lining up to get my morning coffee, thinking about the future and reflecting on my C61 reading progress and I hear someone say "Happy birthday". The person, a friend, really caught me off guard not just because he interrupted my "chain of thoughts" but because my birthday is not until Friday...and maybe because no one else wished me a happy birthday? yet? haha. well mom kinda already gave me something, a very cute scarf but still...I don't know how he found out about my birthday...perhaps facebook, but whatever the case might be, it was very sweet and unexpected, especially coming from someone like him. I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into it (perhaps because I'm not used to be the center of someone's attention?) but why would he pay that much attention to such details? Its not like my birthday is today? Regardless of what the case be, I felt special. and now typing this and rereading it to myself, I feel like a neurotic psycho. Oh well who cares?

Anyway, I gotta get back to studying or maybe I'll just go home and get some readings done (although I doubt it). Oh yeah, also, about the whole "Corners of My Life" section, I think I'm finally ready to launch this project. I'll post some more about this. I'm still not sure about whether I want to start a new blog just for this project...I guess I could just link it to this one? Not sure yet.

Till next time

Drugs and the Brain

Okay so this was literally the WORST midterm I've ever written in my whole life...It was about being not prepared...the questions were just so stupid and were not amined at testing my understanding of the darn textbook. The prof really did not come across as someone whose "out there to get the class" but I guess looks can be deceiving. I feel like pulling an all nighter last night was a waste of time/effort. Oh my poor GPA :(

I really don't have much to say...I'm just angry and frustrated. And now I can feel my heart beating and I hate that feeling. Anyhow, I need to hit the bed soon. I've been awake for a while now. Time to get some shuteye!

Till next time,

MUA vs. SJSM?

It seems like a lot has happened since I last blogged...I just can't remember what.
I certainly gave up on Canadian med. schools...so now I've shifted my attention to Caribbean Medical schools...money is an issue though. Can't afford to go to Ross or St. George (Technically I could if I take a BIG loan but I can't even guarantee a residence spot after I'm done, I'm not willing to take that risk). I hate how everything is all up in the air at the moment.

And now I'm confused between MUA (Medical school of the Americas) and SJSM (Saint James School of Medicine). MUA seems to be more "popular", however I can only do my pre-med there since I don't have organic chemistry, one of their pre-med requirement. SJSM, however, accepted me without Orgo...

I have an exam on Monday....I need to get some work done tonight. I will blog more.

UGH

MED. SCHOOL <3